the wedding

                photo credit


and today's
one of those times
when i run away
from the here and now
and drift off
to that faraway place
where there is no you
and your memories
will haunt me the least...

oh how i wish to forget.

and today's
the most painful day
when i watch you
watching her
both of you looking
so perfect for each other
your smile
beaming your pride,
hers a picture
of genuine bliss...
and i smile too
while i try my best
to compartmentalize
my emotions...

oh how i wish to not feel.

and today's
the craziest of days
my tears
making it difficult
to see you
standing in the altar,
eagerly awaiting
the lovely lady
walking down the aisle
to claim her
as your bride.

oh how i wish i'm not here.

and today's
your special day
the atmosphere
in stark contrast
to how i feel
my barely contained
mixed emotions
veering fast
to pained amusement
as you introduce us
myself being the ex
who is now
just a friend.

oh how i hurt.

and today's the day
i finally let go
i hurt, i weep
as i allow myself
to freely feel the pain
i ponder, i write
these mostly bitter
but somewhat sweet lines
as i say goodbye.

tomorrow i will heal.


===============
written last weekend after watching (for the nth time!) My Best Friend's Wedding.

Past and Future Love

photo credit

Seasons change and people too

But I believe that some feelings don't

The clock keeps on ticking and people come and go

But our longing for them just continues to grow.

We may forget some of yesterday's memories

But those that we wove with that special someone 

Would remain, and may even haunt us

That we couldn't help but look back on what was.

I miss your smiles, those bedimpled cheeks

And the way your knowing eyes would look me over

I miss all the laughter, and even our silly fights

And the kiss-and-make-up that is sure to come later.

I sorely miss the way you always inspire me

Those words and acts of love that you share

But most of all I miss being with you

And being enveloped in your sweet and tender care.

I remember all these, and painfully, more

For I also remember the day we parted ways

I remember saying goodbye for I thought it was best

Turning a deaf ear to the pleas you expressed.

Until now, I don't know why or how we drifted apart

And I have stopped trying to analyze everything

All I know is that somewhere, somehow, we changed

That what used to be two sides of a coin became estranged.

Things happen for a reason, so they always say

And maybe, ours is to learn to lose ourselves to an US

Because admit it, when we were together we seldom compromise

Self-absorbed and stubborn, to our own self each one relies.

I still believe that what happened is for the best

And though I still sometimes miss you, I can smile

Knowing that you and I have grown individually

In ways that our being together did not allow us to be. 

Wherever you are, my love, I hope you now know

That sometimes the greater proof of love is in letting go

May love teach us to truly love in ways we failed the other

That we may become braver, wiser and better.

Taken Too Soon

I did not ask for you in my life but I was glad you did come to take part in it. For the first time, I was happy. Really happy. And I knew you were too.

Then you got sick. And that’s when our nightmare began.

“Why did it have to be you of all people?” I kept asking God this question. I had no answer. Yet.

At the back of my mind, I knew no one deserved any sickness but I couldn’t help but feel that it shouldn’t be you. You were too young. Too good a person. You had a whole lifetime ahead of you. Why then should it be mercilessly cut short? Why couldn’t the sick be a criminal? Or the one contemplating suicide? Why take away life from someone who wanted to live it to the fullest, to make the most of it?

I wouldn’t glorify myself by saying I accepted your fate (?) with an open, gracious heart. I did not. I fought it. Hated it. Hated you. Well, at least the part of you who firmly believed that it happened to you for a reason. What could that reason be? To make you suffer? And for what? To torture me?

I hated God. I hated Him for giving you to me only to take you away too soon.

For the longest time, I was wallowing in feelings of bitterness. I was mad. At whatever or whoever really, I couldn’t figure out. Maybe I was mad at the whole world. And at you for being steadfast in your faith. Couldn’t you or your faith nurse you back to health? I was mad at myself. For being unreasonable. I knew that when I would think things over, really think things over, I’d become more understanding. But I was too mad and hurt to think, to let God soothe me. I was specifically mad at Him. His reason for letting you get sick eluded me.

All my pain, my anger, compounded when we lost our battle for your life. Too mad and in too much pain, I withdraw deeper into myself, further nursing my anger, my hurts. Gradually spiraling towards feelings of despair, I stopped believing in anything good.

But something you used to say came back to me. “If there is anything I couldn’t let myself lose, it is my hope.”

Then I remembered. And I couldn’t help but smile as I was reminded of your zest for life, of your boundless energy that was fiercer than ever even when your health was failing.

You were never afraid of death, were you? You lived your life courageously that rather than death claiming you, you embraced it, as calmly as you have embraced life and lived it to the fullest.

While I lived mine in waste.

I couldn’t go back, I knew. But I knew too that I could change my view of things. That even when I still mourned your loss, I could bear it not with anger or despair but with hope.

I still couldn’t understand the reason why you were taken from me too soon. Maybe it was to teach me to be in control of my attitude towards circumstances that were beyond my control. Or maybe it was to teach me something about faith, to bring me closer to God and let me improve my personal relationship with Him. Or maybe it was about teaching me how to truly love someone but to love him in a greater way by letting him go.

Or maybe I just shouldn’t think about the why.

“Let it go,” you said in your deathbed. Then, I didn’t know what you meant. I even thought that the pain might be taking its toll on you that instead of using the personal pronoun “me,” you used “it.”

But now I knew better. For it wasn’t just you that I had to let go of but also those burdensome feelings of anger and placing blame on whomever I could conveniently put the blame on. It might even mean letting go of my quest for the why that I so desperately sought.

Letting go had never been so sweet.

I would always remember you, you knew that, didn’t you? And whenever I would, I knew it would not be just with love but with hope as well.

stuck

"move on."

my friends tell me

and i'd just smile --

a smile that just doesn't

reach my eyes

and i'd laugh

albeit hollowly

and in a voice ringing

with false conviction,

i'd even dare say,

"what for?

everything's so yesterday.

i am now over him."

but who am i fooling?

i'm stuck

in that place

where there's still an us

i'm helpless

so desperate that i refuse

to wake up

choosing to instead

be in a dream

than in an empty bed

with only my tears

for company.

it's not that

i don't want to move on

i do try

but something

seems to always

remind me of you --

little and big things

that the more i blot out,

the more they seem

to taunt me with their

presence.

much like your omnipresence.

i'm stuck

and a way out

is nowhere to be found

for even my own mind

and heart betray me.

what's worse

than not moving on?

it's being stuck here

left alone to fend for myself

and still loving the jerk

who's responsible

for all this mess.

==========

photo credit

haunted

i left

and was adamant

about not looking back

because remembering

is as painful

as leaving...

but the mind

is a powerful thing

for it remembers.

and i find it funny

that something

seems to always

bring me

back to you --

a song, a book,

a movie, a quote...

a place, a food, the rain...

even the littlest of things.

worse,

the things i used to like

now i see and feel

with pangs

of loneliness

gnawing at me.

what's with this endless

torture?

this mockery

of my desire

to forget you?

anything and everything

seems to remind me of you

and worst, even nothing

becomes you

for even in silence,

there still is

you.

photo credit

shades of gray

between our blacks and whites

are a dozen shades of gray

beneath our "truths"

are carefully concealed lies

for what or for whom exactly

i can only wonder...

i've lied, been lied to

to spare myself and yourself

from pain

hoping

fervently hoping

maybe even hopelessly

that shades of gray

will work for us...

half-truths

white lies

are they,

will they

ever be
justified?

photo credit

Lies

i listened

as your

carefully

rehearsed speech

became endless

ramblings

i heard the denials

and lame excuses

but was careful

to hide the dispassion

from showing

in my face

i stifled a smirk

when panic

laced your voice

and despair

brought you

over the edge

seeing me unaffected

you expertly

switched tactics

and started to say

you're sorry

while pleading

for another chance --

your nth chance...

suddenly,

i felt so tired

and hurt

and the more

you talked,

the longer

your speech went,

the colder

my heart

had become.

photo credit

heart talk

heart,

be still

be strong

never for once

doubt your resilience

never mind that

you've been fooled not once

but thrice

or have loved and lost

a couple of times

gather strength

from your memory

of picking up

your broken pieces

and enduring

the pain of having

each broken shard,

each jagged edge

and becoming stronger

because of them

remember

how you painstakingly

put together each piece

while learning to let go

look back on the time

when in the brink

of a breakdown,

you rallied admirably

and moved on

with rare grace...

never fear

to love again

or hold back

just because

love stung you

just stay strong

and continue loving

till it hurts

no more.

photo credit

a cynic takes her bitter pill

and i could have sworn

i never knew you

whatever made me fall for you,

now i wonder?

i should have seen

the implacable man

beneath your amiable exterior

should have known

that we're too stubborn

to allow ourselves to give in

to feelings we deemed trivial

we're too rational for that,

right?

love's stupid

and lovers foolish

we cynics proclaimed

but look who's laughing

at us now -

two people in love

who couldn't quite admit it

even to their own selves

love's funny

till it laughs back

at you.

photo credit

burning (love) letters

i watched as tongues of flame

licked the papers that held

your thoughts of

and feelings for me

or whatever remained of them

i stared, mesmerized

by the slithering fire

snaking its way

over a handful of letters

scorching what had been

(un)dying professions of love

i listened

as the very same fire

cackled and roared

while its light flickered

over my face

i watched it dance

as the wind

fanned its flames

gradually reducing everything

to embers

leaving me

only with its heat

to thaw

the coldness within.

photo credit

your words

a game of words
played eloquently…
words of utmost caring
professed lovingly.

but did you really mean them?

you knew what made me tick.
prose. poems.
anything literary…
so you dished them out
lavishly and creatively.

words have always been
my strength.
i thrive on them.
breathe them…

but words are my weakness too…

that when you armed yourself with them,
i was helpless.

and so i succumbed
to the power of your words.

to you.

your words
elevated me
to the most blissful of joys,
they touchingly spell out
your love.

but words could turn sour
and yours did
the moment you hurled
words of accusations and excuses at me.

your words hurt.

you tried to make amends
by again arming yourself
with sweet,
maybe even carefully rehearsed
words.

but i grew deaf to them.

so i said the only word
that could save me
from you.

“goodbye.”

in your coming’s wake
are words strewn here and there
the words that used to inspire me,
the words i thrived on and breathed
are now just mere words
spoken but unmeant.

such hurtful words.

i now regret
savoring your words
for now i am left
only with
a bitter aftertaste of them
in my mouth.

warlock(ed)

i thought it is witches

who cast spells

what have you done to me then?

you got me

with your looks...

but you snared my heart

with your attitude.

what's on your mind?

tell me.

are you reading my mind now?

thoughts of you...

pieces of you...

all commune with the part of me

that's confused.

validate my existence

will you please?

make me believe again

in something good...

never mind

that it involves

the deep, dark side

of human nature.

break not this spell

i'm in.

break

the uncertainty in me.

just break

not

my heart.

risk

should I put my heart
in the line for you
even when I know
that when I do
i will risk
breaking it,
hardening it
or subjecting it
to ecstatic heights?

breaking it
will be your doing
so be very careful
with it...

please.

hardening it
will be my doing
because I can
make a fortress
of my heart
blocking anyone
who wishes to enter.

subjecting it
to ecstatic heights
will be our doing -
heightened passion
ensconced
in tumultuous
albeit
blissful
love.

but can I really
let myself wade
into love’s waters
even when I know
that there is still
the possibility
of having
my heart
broken?

love’s a risk
and we really
can’t win over it
if we won’t
even make
the first step
of letting
ourselves go.

Calculated Love

the first time

we met

i bet

you're easy to love

but hard

to get over.

and i wasn't wrong.

for now i am

on the verge

of falling...

and this makes me
scared.

but the fear

only makes me

braver.

so i take

the plunge

and allow myself

to fall.

but still

with extreme

caution.

after all

i only take

calculated risks.

just don't

let me

fall too deeply

while you

try to play

it cool.

otherwise

i'll break

my own fall

and start

the process

of moving on.

and it will be

over

before

it even

began.

The Best Thing about Being in Pain

I sat by myself in our apartment’s balcony and stared at the vast city skyline. The night sky was blanketed with stars, the city aglow with lights from towering buildings. Quite a sight to behold, really, if only I didn’t feel like crying…

I held myself in check and forced the tears back in. I tried to focus – stared at the sky, willed myself to look for a constellation or anything of interest to no avail. I was staring but unseeing… Unseeing but still feeling… At this time of the night, everything seemed quiet and at peace. Everything but my heart… I shivered but not from the cold. I shivered from the emptiness within.

Loss had always been a painful experience but if there were successive losses, the pain could become too much. It could get unbearable even for a strong person like me. If those successive losses too happened at even frequent intervals, then that unbearable pain either became consuming or transcendent. And the former was happening to me now, no matter how fervently I wished for the pain to teach me to tolerate it more so I could exceed my normal pain threshold and in the process, move on.

Sometimes, I just wished I would go numb but no matter how much I tried, the pain just wouldn’t go away. There were times too when I wished that it’s not the pain but you who would go away. You whom I thought were different from them. How ironic that I lost you but the love that I so wanted to lose remained in me, festering like some wound that refused to heal. I was being haunted by the memories that I wanted to get away from, tortured by the very reason for my happiness not quite long ago.

I could really go on ranting and raving and getting all vexed about this whole pain thing but you know what, just looking up at the dark sky, with clouds sometimes obscuring my view of the stars and even the moon, I just realized that life’s pretty much the same – it could get dark and gloomy but there would always be something to brighten it. I just needed to see beyond the hindrance. The night sky had its stars and the moon, with the moon giving the brightest luminescence but even the smallest star could give some illumination, right?

I may have felt kind of hopeless and empty but the fact that I was feeling and hurting meant that I cared. And you know what’s best? It’s the fact that the best thing about being in pain was my not being dead. I lived and I’d go on fighting. I would definitely survive this like I survived my past losses.

There’s a flicker of hope in me. Just a tiny flicker, like a tiny star in the vast city skyline, but a flicker nonetheless…

I had been holding on to this pain, holding it in for so long that it had somehow consumed me. Now I knew better…

And so I let go and let this pain transcend.




================
written on October 2007

The One Who Got Away*

"There is but one true and great love," her friend once said with eyes all agleam. She just laughed. It was a foreign, even ridiculous concept for her. And then she truly fell in love. Hard. But she fought it . She said he does not meet her requirements and expectations... that they are from two very different worlds and whatever relationship they will share just won't work. She thought of all the reasons that she could think of to shut him out of her life, to justify her shying away from him. Confused and in pain, he said that she was unfair. To him. To herself. To both of them. "Give me a chance," he implored but the words just fell on deaf ears...

Fast forward to a couple of years after she bid goodbye to him. His face still sometimes haunts her. She remembers his smiles and misses a lot of things about him. And then she realizes, maybe her friend is right. Maybe there really is just one true and great love for each one of us. That one person with that special smile, that special way of looking at her that makes her feel as though she is the prettiest girl in the world. The very same person who makes her heart beat faster and brings out the best and the worst in her... That rare person who can make her life into a series of upheavals, a roller coaster ride of mixed feelings and bittersweet moments. For her, that person is he – he who made her define and defy love...

Sadly, in most cases, as was in hers, that person is usually the one who got away.

===============

*for her. Indeed, you will never know what you got till it's gone.

reprinted from my Friendster blog dated July 17, 2007.

My Guardian Angel

When I see your smile,

Tears run down on my face.

I can't replace.

And now that I'm stronger,

I have figured out,

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.

And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one.

I will never let you fall.

I'll stand up with you forever.

I'll be there for you through it all.

Even if saving you sends me to heaven...

The first time I heard this song a few months back, I was struck at how poignant the lyrics are. Then I remembered you.

I used to think that you are my guardian angel. That is, until I fell in love with you.

I remember you saying, "I'll never let you fall" but now I am thinking that you should have added IN LOVE WITH ME on it.

You were too nice. Too much of a gentleman. Too perfect for me that even if I did my damnedest to not fall for you, I did. You weren't hard to love, you know...

And now I hit rock bottom. In fairness to you, you were there to cushion my fall but only as a friend. You were my angel, right? And I was your ward. And that is all there is.

How could you not notice? Worse, how could you not feel it? How could you ask me how I was doing and then when I tell you that I had been nursing a broken heart you would go to my defense saying I only had to tell you who the guy is and you would beat the lights out of him?

If you only knew, you would be beating yourself black and blue.

==========
Song Title: My Guardian Angel

tableau

by the window pane
i stood
rigidly
and watched
through
the frosted glass.

if only my heart
could be as rigid
as my stance...
if only the cold
could freeze
it too...

i watched
silently
as your hand
came up
to caress
her hair
and even from far away
i could see
your expression
of naked,
vulnerable caring...
the same expression
further deepening
when she laughed
at something you just said
the lilting sound of it
carried
to where i was
by the frigid night air...

and i could feel
my bruised heart
breaking...
shattering into
a thousand pieces
its sound swallowed
by the stillness
of the night
as tears
glinted in my eyes
but remained unshed
my expression
as brittle
as the broken
fragments
of my heart.

how could someone
bring me so much joy
and pain
at the same time?

and how could i
have let myself
be held captive
by your smile,
your very being
when i knew
you were not
and never would be
mine?

My Sweetest Downfall, My Favorite Mistake

"If this is going to be a mistake, let's make it my best one yet."

I remember saying that to you the moment we committed ourselves to each other. Call me a pessimist but my reason for saying that was not totally unfounded. You see, I knew I was setting myself up for trouble the first time I met you.

You were a man of this world - successful, intelligent, had a good sense of humor, confident, smart and oh so very charming. You were not a sore to the eyes either which was quite a bonus. You were six years my senior too (well, I usually get attracted to older, mature men as they are more sensible and secure than guys my age) which made you all the more appealing.

I may be young but I was told countless of times that I was smart too. It's just sad that being smart was not a guarantee for shielding ourselves from heartbreaks. Like many before me, I was smart but foolish of heart.

I should have listened to the alarm bells that kept on ringing since you came into my life but I was so into the "Age doesn't matter," "All is fair in love...," and "Love conquers all" crap that I probably wouldn't hear those alarm bells even if they clang all too loudly or if someone would thump them in my head. I was THAT in love (or should I say INsane?!). Ugh! But have someone tell either trite cliche to me now and if I can't hide my grimace, I will probably burst out laughing. Deception does come in all appearances and happens in many forms. So does heartache.

Hmm... I am stalling. Again. Like I always do whenever I remember our beginning... as if rehashing that moment will make the ending any different...

Let's go back to you and continue our (yes, there was once an US and an OUR) story... Do you remember how you just laughed my let's-make-this-my-best-mistake-yet comment off? And how you tenderly embraced me as you soothed me? You even said, "You worry too much, baby." This is not a mistake. No, I won't let it be..." I just smiled and hoped it were true.

Of course, we both knew three months thereafter that I was right for the dashing, charming prince suddenly sported horns with a tail to boot. You became controlling, possessive and even obsessed. In many instances, I tried to justify your behavior and even made excuses for you. I told and convinced myself that you just loved me so much...

The last straw came when you very nearly struck me. Horrified, that's when I woke up and smelled the coffee. I loved you. Love you still but I love myself more. No self-respecting woman should allow herself to be inflicted with any harm. No one, man or woman, deserves to be treated harshly for whatever reason or purpose.

You were my sweetest downfall. The person who managed to get past my defenses and whom I allowed to see glimpses of the vulnerable me. You were my favorite mistake too. Oh just how many times had I played stupid for you? I knew some things were wrong and yet for so long, I refused to see reason (the very thing that I get complimented on and envied about) and allowed a vicious cycle of emotional turmoil. For you, I shed the bitterest of tears but it is for you too that I learned to be brave.

Thank you because you were my sweetest downfall but my most triumphant comeback as well. You taught me that stumbling down does not make me a loser but staying down does. For you I stood up. Taller than ever.

Your love brought me to my lowest and weakest moments but because of it, I learned to pull myself together and bounce back higher. Your breaking my heart made me stronger. Wiser. And definitely more "stupid-proof."

Thank you because you were my favorite mistake but my greatest lesson in love as well.

==============

inspired by the song title, "My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow and the first line in "Samson" by Regina Spektor.

Scorched

you stare
with those penetrating,
soulful eyes...
i averted my gaze
and bit my lower lip
but the intensity
of your stare
burned.

i looked up
and,
finding myself
wanting,
stared back.

you smiled,
a dimple showing...
i squirmed in my seat
and quivered
as i watched you
come closer.

passion.
desire.
as primeval
as the blood
roaring in our veins.

heart pounding,
i watched you
cross the distance
for what seemed
like eternity...
then you are there
at last.

everything faded
out of focus
except for your eyes
and i was rendered
speechless
as i let myself
be lost
in them.