For X

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I don’t know why I’m writing. I don’t even know where to start. I’m having second thoughts too on whether I should continue this. Is chickening out an option? Whoa. Now you’re taunting me.

“Aren’t you courageous?” you often say. And therein lies my truth. Because with and for you, I am anything but brave.

It’s been two years since I met you. And in that short span of time, you have managed to take me into the most nerve-wracking rollercoaster ride of my life.

I have always told myself to never put myself in a situation where I do not know where I stand in another person’s life. And yet, I am in such a situation now.

I don’t know how to read you, you know. You say you like me. You care. You miss me. Truth be told though, hearing those words brings me anything but assurance. Hearing those words makes me more confused. Scared.

Why can’t you just say things outright?

Where does caring for, missing and liking someone lead to? What are those endearments for? I really am confused. And annoyed. I hate it that we’re both too stubborn. That we play a game of wits and will. I enjoy the former, hate the latter. I do not know if you’ve noticed but my response has always been as guarded as my heart is. I don’t want you to think I am leading you on, is why. And I also do not want to appear easy or aloof and heaven forbid, unreachable. And so I play it cool. Maybe way too cool. Damn.

You very well know what our dilemma is. It is the fact that you want me to be the first to admit my feelings for you but I want it to be the other way around.

Maybe culture is a big factor. From where you are from, women can easily admit to their feelings. Some even openly flirt. But I, despite your perceived sophistication of me, am still a traditional Maria Clara at heart confined by the long-ago notion of my ancestors that women should wait for the guy to woe her…

I don’t know how long will I be able to keep up with you. Or why should I, in the first place. If I am going to be very honest with myself, I have to admit that I’m getting tired of guarding my heart. Of waiting. Of being unsure of anything that concerns you.

Funny how just when I, a person who only takes calculated risks, am willing to abandon all and take the great leap of faith, the very person that I am taking the plunge for is nowhere to be found to leap with me or break my fall.

But you know what I find is funnier? It is that you can dare talk to me about courage when you are anything but brave.

And you know what’s funniest? It is that I thought of courage as taking the leap of faith for you because now I know that where you are concerned, courage is about letting go of my beloved who does not know that I am worth defying his great fear of love.

--------------------

May 18, 2007 was when we met.  May 18, 2008 was when you reminded me that it's our anniversary.  I laughed because you remember the date of our first meeting.  I did not.  As we spoke, I was actually feeling sheepish, torn between amazement and being touched because really, it's rare for a guy to remember.  May 18, 2009.  We both remembered the day.  I was hoping you'll come out clean but you just continued dancing that avoidance waltz that I despised.  That same night, I wrote this post as I mentally said goodbye to you.  This post remained sitting in my Drafts folder though.  May 18, 2010.  My iPod Touch's calendar reminded me that it's May 18.  I cancelled it.  May 18, 2011.  The same alarm from my iPod Touch rang.  I immediately cancelled it then deleted the yearly reminder.  It's been about two years that we lost contact with each other and days ago, I found this while I was sifting through my files.  So here I am, posting this in celebration of my moving on.  

the wedding

                photo credit


and today's
one of those times
when i run away
from the here and now
and drift off
to that faraway place
where there is no you
and your memories
will haunt me the least...

oh how i wish to forget.

and today's
the most painful day
when i watch you
watching her
both of you looking
so perfect for each other
your smile
beaming your pride,
hers a picture
of genuine bliss...
and i smile too
while i try my best
to compartmentalize
my emotions...

oh how i wish to not feel.

and today's
the craziest of days
my tears
making it difficult
to see you
standing in the altar,
eagerly awaiting
the lovely lady
walking down the aisle
to claim her
as your bride.

oh how i wish i'm not here.

and today's
your special day
the atmosphere
in stark contrast
to how i feel
my barely contained
mixed emotions
veering fast
to pained amusement
as you introduce us
myself being the ex
who is now
just a friend.

oh how i hurt.

and today's the day
i finally let go
i hurt, i weep
as i allow myself
to freely feel the pain
i ponder, i write
these mostly bitter
but somewhat sweet lines
as i say goodbye.

tomorrow i will heal.


===============
written last weekend after watching (for the nth time!) My Best Friend's Wedding.

Past and Future Love

photo credit

Seasons change and people too

But I believe that some feelings don't

The clock keeps on ticking and people come and go

But our longing for them just continues to grow.

We may forget some of yesterday's memories

But those that we wove with that special someone 

Would remain, and may even haunt us

That we couldn't help but look back on what was.

I miss your smiles, those bedimpled cheeks

And the way your knowing eyes would look me over

I miss all the laughter, and even our silly fights

And the kiss-and-make-up that is sure to come later.

I sorely miss the way you always inspire me

Those words and acts of love that you share

But most of all I miss being with you

And being enveloped in your sweet and tender care.

I remember all these, and painfully, more

For I also remember the day we parted ways

I remember saying goodbye for I thought it was best

Turning a deaf ear to the pleas you expressed.

Until now, I don't know why or how we drifted apart

And I have stopped trying to analyze everything

All I know is that somewhere, somehow, we changed

That what used to be two sides of a coin became estranged.

Things happen for a reason, so they always say

And maybe, ours is to learn to lose ourselves to an US

Because admit it, when we were together we seldom compromise

Self-absorbed and stubborn, to our own self each one relies.

I still believe that what happened is for the best

And though I still sometimes miss you, I can smile

Knowing that you and I have grown individually

In ways that our being together did not allow us to be. 

Wherever you are, my love, I hope you now know

That sometimes the greater proof of love is in letting go

May love teach us to truly love in ways we failed the other

That we may become braver, wiser and better.

Taken Too Soon

I did not ask for you in my life but I was glad you did come to take part in it. For the first time, I was happy. Really happy. And I knew you were too.

Then you got sick. And that’s when our nightmare began.

“Why did it have to be you of all people?” I kept asking God this question. I had no answer. Yet.

At the back of my mind, I knew no one deserved any sickness but I couldn’t help but feel that it shouldn’t be you. You were too young. Too good a person. You had a whole lifetime ahead of you. Why then should it be mercilessly cut short? Why couldn’t the sick be a criminal? Or the one contemplating suicide? Why take away life from someone who wanted to live it to the fullest, to make the most of it?

I wouldn’t glorify myself by saying I accepted your fate (?) with an open, gracious heart. I did not. I fought it. Hated it. Hated you. Well, at least the part of you who firmly believed that it happened to you for a reason. What could that reason be? To make you suffer? And for what? To torture me?

I hated God. I hated Him for giving you to me only to take you away too soon.

For the longest time, I was wallowing in feelings of bitterness. I was mad. At whatever or whoever really, I couldn’t figure out. Maybe I was mad at the whole world. And at you for being steadfast in your faith. Couldn’t you or your faith nurse you back to health? I was mad at myself. For being unreasonable. I knew that when I would think things over, really think things over, I’d become more understanding. But I was too mad and hurt to think, to let God soothe me. I was specifically mad at Him. His reason for letting you get sick eluded me.

All my pain, my anger, compounded when we lost our battle for your life. Too mad and in too much pain, I withdraw deeper into myself, further nursing my anger, my hurts. Gradually spiraling towards feelings of despair, I stopped believing in anything good.

But something you used to say came back to me. “If there is anything I couldn’t let myself lose, it is my hope.”

Then I remembered. And I couldn’t help but smile as I was reminded of your zest for life, of your boundless energy that was fiercer than ever even when your health was failing.

You were never afraid of death, were you? You lived your life courageously that rather than death claiming you, you embraced it, as calmly as you have embraced life and lived it to the fullest.

While I lived mine in waste.

I couldn’t go back, I knew. But I knew too that I could change my view of things. That even when I still mourned your loss, I could bear it not with anger or despair but with hope.

I still couldn’t understand the reason why you were taken from me too soon. Maybe it was to teach me to be in control of my attitude towards circumstances that were beyond my control. Or maybe it was to teach me something about faith, to bring me closer to God and let me improve my personal relationship with Him. Or maybe it was about teaching me how to truly love someone but to love him in a greater way by letting him go.

Or maybe I just shouldn’t think about the why.

“Let it go,” you said in your deathbed. Then, I didn’t know what you meant. I even thought that the pain might be taking its toll on you that instead of using the personal pronoun “me,” you used “it.”

But now I knew better. For it wasn’t just you that I had to let go of but also those burdensome feelings of anger and placing blame on whomever I could conveniently put the blame on. It might even mean letting go of my quest for the why that I so desperately sought.

Letting go had never been so sweet.

I would always remember you, you knew that, didn’t you? And whenever I would, I knew it would not be just with love but with hope as well.

When I Leave

One of the best gifts God gave me is you
And I am really grateful to Him for that
The times I have spent with you
Are the best of times and even if
I want those times to last forever,
We have always known that the time will come
When we have to part ways…
That time is now and even if it pains me to leave,
We both know that I have to
Life is a cycle of hello and goodbyes
I say goodbye but know that my leaving
Does not mean that I care for you no more
Or I love you less…
When I leave, be sad not but smile
Bask in the wonderful truth that though
The season of our being together has passed,
Our friendship continues because our friendship
Knows no season, only eternity…
I will surely miss you but wherever I go,
Whenever and whatever,
I know exactly where to look for you
To find you, I only have to look inside my heart
And I will see you
Prominently cherished in there
And just a heartbeat away…
As long as we let each other live in our hearts,
That is where each one stays –
Always,
Even forever.

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burning (love) letters

i watched as tongues of flame

licked the papers that held

your thoughts of

and feelings for me

or whatever remained of them

i stared, mesmerized

by the slithering fire

snaking its way

over a handful of letters

scorching what had been

(un)dying professions of love

i listened

as the very same fire

cackled and roared

while its light flickered

over my face

i watched it dance

as the wind

fanned its flames

gradually reducing everything

to embers

leaving me

only with its heat

to thaw

the coldness within.

photo credit

Save me I’m hanging...

Most people would say “Catch me I’m falling” but I’m not most people so I said, “Save me I’m hanging...”

I was eight. Being the hyperactive child that I was, some of my time was spent scaling trees and picking fruits or just sitting in my favorite branch, reading a book as I relished the feel of the breeze on my face. One day, I slipped and found myself hanging on a branch, clinging on to it for dear life. The minutes I spent there seemed like years. The pain was excruciating. The longer I held on, the heavier I seemed to be and the more difficult and painful it became. I did try to pull myself up but I could not. And that’s when I thought of letting go...

Off I fell. And oh, what freedom I felt as I hit the ground. It was painful, yes, but it was a wonderful feeling - to fall, to allow myself to let go of the branch and be spared from the pain of holding on unto something that was obviously futile.

Twelve years later, I fell in love. The song “Fallin” kept playing inside my head.

Help me I’m fallin’

Fallin’ fast again

Why do I always take a fall

When I fall in love

But catch me he did not. I did try to hold on to the love I had. I thought it would be enough. That I’d be content. I was wrong of course for love is a two-way traffic thing...

And unrequited love is rapture and agony in one overwhelming package.

It was when the pain became unbearable that I remembered the time I was hanging by that tree.

It’s just that I recall

Back when I was small

Someone promised that they’d catch me

And then they let me fall

The pain was incomparable for then, it was only physical pain. Love’s sting was more vicious. It gnawed at the very void in me – wanting to be filled but remained empty.

I had to escape. No savior would deliver me from the predicament that I was in. I only had myself. Just myself.

And so I saved my hurting self...

By letting go.

The Best Thing about Being in Pain

I sat by myself in our apartment’s balcony and stared at the vast city skyline. The night sky was blanketed with stars, the city aglow with lights from towering buildings. Quite a sight to behold, really, if only I didn’t feel like crying…

I held myself in check and forced the tears back in. I tried to focus – stared at the sky, willed myself to look for a constellation or anything of interest to no avail. I was staring but unseeing… Unseeing but still feeling… At this time of the night, everything seemed quiet and at peace. Everything but my heart… I shivered but not from the cold. I shivered from the emptiness within.

Loss had always been a painful experience but if there were successive losses, the pain could become too much. It could get unbearable even for a strong person like me. If those successive losses too happened at even frequent intervals, then that unbearable pain either became consuming or transcendent. And the former was happening to me now, no matter how fervently I wished for the pain to teach me to tolerate it more so I could exceed my normal pain threshold and in the process, move on.

Sometimes, I just wished I would go numb but no matter how much I tried, the pain just wouldn’t go away. There were times too when I wished that it’s not the pain but you who would go away. You whom I thought were different from them. How ironic that I lost you but the love that I so wanted to lose remained in me, festering like some wound that refused to heal. I was being haunted by the memories that I wanted to get away from, tortured by the very reason for my happiness not quite long ago.

I could really go on ranting and raving and getting all vexed about this whole pain thing but you know what, just looking up at the dark sky, with clouds sometimes obscuring my view of the stars and even the moon, I just realized that life’s pretty much the same – it could get dark and gloomy but there would always be something to brighten it. I just needed to see beyond the hindrance. The night sky had its stars and the moon, with the moon giving the brightest luminescence but even the smallest star could give some illumination, right?

I may have felt kind of hopeless and empty but the fact that I was feeling and hurting meant that I cared. And you know what’s best? It’s the fact that the best thing about being in pain was my not being dead. I lived and I’d go on fighting. I would definitely survive this like I survived my past losses.

There’s a flicker of hope in me. Just a tiny flicker, like a tiny star in the vast city skyline, but a flicker nonetheless…

I had been holding on to this pain, holding it in for so long that it had somehow consumed me. Now I knew better…

And so I let go and let this pain transcend.




================
written on October 2007

This time, it really is the good kind of bye...

Goodbye is not everything. You will just be going somewhere but for always, you will be in me and I will be in you.

Life goes on. It has always been what it all was. Life is about people coming into and going out of our lives and this truth will always stand.

Goodbye has never been easy but is inevitable. But why should I be sad just because you are leaving? Only your physical self will go. In my mind and more so in my heart, you stay. The many memories we've shared will definitely linger. And treasured of course.

You taught me so much. I am thankful to God for the moments that He let us share the gift of ourselves with each other. You have touched my life in many ways. It is now time for you to touch other people's lives in the place where your new journey begins.

In letting go is strength. In moving on is God's grace. Detachment is not to deny but to give life. Not to disintegrate with others but to be one with one's self and be a part of the different wholes we belong to. Not to refuse love but to love truly and fully.

I am saying goodbye but only temporarily. Our paths had once intersected. I eagerly await the time when our paths will again meet.

The horizon is filled with smiles. Life has its many twists and turns. I will be waiting for you at the next bend.

Till we meet again and until we do, I entrust you to our good Lord's keeping.


===============
For you. You know who you are... And believe me, now I know what you mean by "sweet tears."

Of Love and Differences

Why, in an amusing twist of fate, would the worlds of two very different people who wanted different things collide? And more amusing and baffling, why would these two very different people fall in love with each other?

Love, as the trite cliche goes, conquers everything. But what if love is not enough to bridge those all-too-blatant and all-too-many differences?

"Compromise," said he. And so that's what we have done for months. Alas, even when we had already done our best to reach out and meet each other halfway and had even, at times, bent ourselves out of shape just to make allowances for and accommodate each other, I realized that we, indeed, are too different and things just won't work out the way we wanted them to no matter how hard we tried or how fervently we hoped.

I'm not a quitter. I've never been. But I know when something is hopeless and that's when I stop. After everything that's been said and done, after we've exhausted all options and given our best and our all and they're still not enough, I guess it's high time that we face the fact that some things are not just meant to be. The same goes for some people.

I know that you're still trying. And I'm sorry if I have given up on you on this. But believe me, this is for the best...

=====================

taken from my Yahoo 360 blog, dated July 1, 2006. There is just the validation now that what I did was really for the best so I am posting this again.