Random Thoughts - # 15

photo credit

People are bound to disappoint us one way or another and so I learned to just not expect anything from anyone.  Let people be themselves, and you'll find out that each one is a pleasant surprise in his or her own way.

Ironic

photo credit

My friend: I'm listening to Ironic by Alanis. Isn't it ironic to find the man of your dreams then later meet his beautiful wife?

Milai: Nah, the irony there is meeting the man of your dreams. (laughs)

The above exchange made me do a double take. Have I gotten too cynical beyond redemption?

There is no denying that I am romantic to the core.  You see, I began reading romance novels at an early age.  While most children read fairytales and picture books, I, much to my mom's dismay, took delight in reading Mills and Boon and Harlequin novels starting at age eight.  I also loved reading the works of Barbara Cartland.  At age ten, I was into Danielle Steel and at twelve, was into novels by Judith McNaught, Johanna Lindsey and Jude Deveraux.  Reading about their heroines ending up with the man of their dreams sure made me think about my own happy ending.

Ten years after, my view on love, or rather, on men, soured due to the fact that some of my friends and acquaintances became victims of their infidelity or were in an abusive relationship.  There were some too who fell in love with men who were difficult to love in the first place.  And some who were with men who could not find it in themselves to commit to a relationship or marriage.

With the above, and also because I experienced heartbreaks and heartaches firsthand, I became very wary of love.  Or rather, of men.

A friend in college said not just once that those like us who grew up reading romance novels would have a difficult time finding the "man of our dreams" basically because we already have our ideals on who or what we want in and from them.  "Admit it, unconsciously, you have the tendency to compare a suitor to that dashing, romantic duke from the Victorian era in historical romance novels or to that confident, urbane, a little difficult but loving man you read about in your contemporary novels."  And we laughed because it was partly true.  Matthew Allen Parker from McNaught's Paradise, where are you?  Ha ha!

Then there's this Linda Howard novel I read where they joked about Mr. Perfect being "science fiction."  Ha!  I just had to laugh on that one.

When I was home in Aklan last January, a relative, knowing I am already twenty-seven and most of my batchmates were already married, joked, "So when is the grand walk down the aisle?"  I laughed and replied that I am even yet to find THAT  man I will walk down the aisle with.  Polite queries followed, with most of them asking all the hows and whys that they could think of regarding my being uncommitted and all later coming to a concession that I am just being choosy.  Ooooooo-kay.  Whatever.

Is there anything wrong with being single, especially when it is someone's personal choice and she's happy being such, as I said so in a previous post?  Is there anything wrong with having standards for THE man a woman wants to marry?  I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect because we all know that perfection in anyone or anything does not exist.  But I do have standards for the man of my dreams.  And on this I refuse to compromise.  Why?  Because we are all entitled to choose who we want to spend the rest of our lives with.  And mine is to be with a man who is like Daddy.  Oh, he isn't perfect.  He sometimes drinks and used to smoke and he is scary when he gets mad but he's faithful to my mom and wonderful to us.

You may have noticed I wrote "on love or rather, on men" twice in this post.  I want to emphasize this because men (and of course, women), may become unfaithful or jealous or insincere but love is not and never will be.  It is and will always be the same kind of wondrous, saving love that it is made to be.  Anything less than that is not true and lasting love - the reason why most relationships don't last these days and why some marriages crumble.

I want to end this post by addressing my cynicism.  Yes, I admit to having gotten jaded over the years but there's still that part of me who sees the world through rose-tinted glasses.  Who still believes in the wonders of love and in God's perfect timing for everything.

True love waits.

Past and Future Love

photo credit

Seasons change and people too

But I believe that some feelings don't

The clock keeps on ticking and people come and go

But our longing for them just continues to grow.

We may forget some of yesterday's memories

But those that we wove with that special someone 

Would remain, and may even haunt us

That we couldn't help but look back on what was.

I miss your smiles, those bedimpled cheeks

And the way your knowing eyes would look me over

I miss all the laughter, and even our silly fights

And the kiss-and-make-up that is sure to come later.

I sorely miss the way you always inspire me

Those words and acts of love that you share

But most of all I miss being with you

And being enveloped in your sweet and tender care.

I remember all these, and painfully, more

For I also remember the day we parted ways

I remember saying goodbye for I thought it was best

Turning a deaf ear to the pleas you expressed.

Until now, I don't know why or how we drifted apart

And I have stopped trying to analyze everything

All I know is that somewhere, somehow, we changed

That what used to be two sides of a coin became estranged.

Things happen for a reason, so they always say

And maybe, ours is to learn to lose ourselves to an US

Because admit it, when we were together we seldom compromise

Self-absorbed and stubborn, to our own self each one relies.

I still believe that what happened is for the best

And though I still sometimes miss you, I can smile

Knowing that you and I have grown individually

In ways that our being together did not allow us to be. 

Wherever you are, my love, I hope you now know

That sometimes the greater proof of love is in letting go

May love teach us to truly love in ways we failed the other

That we may become braver, wiser and better.

The Heart Chooses to Heal

photo credit

In all its fragility, I marvel about the capacity of the heart to withstand innumerable heartaches and hurts.  I guess in the end,  a heart that CHOOSES to freely bask in sincere, selfless love is bigger than any and all of life's struggles.  Cheers to all WARRIORS OF THE HEART who never give up on love despite being heartbroken at some points in their lives.  Happy hearts day!  :)

The Gift of the Present

photo credit

The greatest gift of the present is that it is a constant reminder of God's never ending love for and faith in us.  We are blessed with another day because He wants us to cherish yesterday as we grow from it.  So if you've been hurt in the past, let go.  Today is a new day.  God has given you a chance to heal.  To make up for your wrongs.  To be happy.  To love again.  To live life to the fullest.  Seize this day! 

Random Thoughts - # 14

photo credit

Closure

Closure isn't about just putting an end to the vexations of the mind, heart and soul.  It is also coming to terms with the difficulties of the past and, from hereon, beginning a life of acceptance, gratitude and learning, and in so doing, achieving the serenity we so long for.

Mirror of Truth

photo credit

Life used to be one big theater for me

I had to play, I had to act

Masks and facades and barriers

Had all been a part of me

That sometimes they became my "truth."

And do I have to tell you

That before I resented you?

I disliked the way

You were seeing right through me

For that meant I wasn't convincing enough.

Others saw the smiles and claimed

They felt my joy

But you saw how empty those smiles were.

You saw the pain beneath,

The uncertain, vulnerable child that I was

Hidden behind those masks.

I tried my best to avoid those probing eyes

I was wary of the wisdom those knowing eyes held.

If I could then shut myself from you, I would

For you "scared" me and it's not because

You were mean or ill-tempered

But because you knew me so well

That I felt vulnerable with and around you

And no one wants to be vulnerable, right?

Pride dictated me to shun you

So no one would then read me accurately

No one would know my heart and being but me

But you were so understanding of and patient in

Just letting me be, waiting for me to mellow and mature

While doing your best to help me probe deepest into myself

That I may bring to light the real me.

Little by little, my defenses came crumbling down

Until finally, nothing was left but my true self 

The very self that I used to hide and deny surfaced...

I no longer resent you, in fact I never did.

I just thought I did but now I know 

That those were just resistances...

I'm glad that all those masks are now gone

I no longer act, I never will again

For life is no grand theater, 

Everything and everyone is real

And so I must be too.

I am what I am and it feels good to be me

And it feels even better to know

That you accept me as I am.

Thank you... for being my mirror of truth

For that's all I needed for my awakening.