Wednesday, May 18, 2011

For X

I don’t know why I’m writing. I don’t even know where to start. I’m having second thoughts too on whether I should continue this. Is chickening out an option? Whoa. Now you’re taunting me.

“Aren’t you courageous?” you often say. And therein lies my truth. Because with and for you, I am anything but brave.

It’s been two years since I met you. And in that short span of time, you have managed to take me into the most nerve-wracking rollercoaster ride of my life.

I have always told myself to never put myself in a situation where I do not know where I stand in another person’s life. And yet, I am in such a situation now.

I don’t know how to read you, you know. You say you like me. You care. You miss me. Truth be told though, hearing those words brings me anything but assurance. Hearing those words makes me more confused. Scared.

Why can’t you just say things outright?

Where does caring for, missing and liking someone lead to? What are those endearments for? I really am confused. And annoyed. I hate it that we’re both too stubborn. That we play a game of wits and will. I enjoy the former, hate the latter. I do not know if you’ve noticed but my response has always been as guarded as my heart is. I don’t want you to think I am leading you on, is why. And I also do not want to appear easy or aloof and heaven forbid, unreachable. And so I play it cool. Maybe way too cool. Damn.

You very well know what our dilemma is. It is the fact that you want me to be the first to admit my feelings for you but I want it to be the other way around.

Maybe culture is a big factor. From where you are from, women can easily admit to their feelings. Some even openly flirt. But I, despite your perceived sophistication of me, am still a traditional Maria Clara at heart confined by the long-ago notion of my ancestors that women should wait for the guy to woe her…

I don’t know how long will I be able to keep up with you. Or why should I, in the first place. If I am going to be very honest with myself, I have to admit that I’m getting tired of guarding my heart. Of waiting. Of being unsure of anything that concerns you.

Funny how just when I, a person who only takes calculated risks, am willing to abandon all and take the great leap of faith, the very person that I am taking the plunge for is nowhere to be found to leap with me or break my fall.

But you know what I find is funnier? It is that you can dare talk to me about courage when you are anything but brave.

And you know what’s funniest? It is that I thought of courage as taking the leap of faith for you because now I know that where you are concerned, courage is about letting go of my beloved who does not know that I am worth defying his great fear of love.

May 18, 2007 was when we met.  May 18, 2008 was when you reminded me that it's our anniversary.  I laughed because you remember the date of our first meeting.  I did not.  As we spoke, I was actually feeling sheepish, torn between amazement and being touched because really, it's rare for a guy to remember.  May 18, 2009.  We both remembered the day.  I was hoping you'll come out clean but you just continued dancing that avoidance waltz that I despised.  That same night, I wrote this post as I mentally said goodbye to you.  This post remained sitting in my Drafts folder though.  May 18, 2010.  My iPod Touch's calendar reminded me that it's May 18.  I cancelled it.  May 18, 2011.  The same alarm from my iPod Touch rang.  I immediately cancelled it then deleted the yearly reminder.  It's been about two years that we lost contact with each other and days ago, I found this while I was sifting through my files.  So here I am, posting this in celebration of my moving on.  

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Silver Lining

There are times when I can't help but feel jaded.  I guess at some point, we just see the world as it is and not even a really good pair of rose-tinted glasses can make us see otherwise.  After all, life is not a bed of roses.  It most certainly is not a fairytale.  Still, happiness is a choice, albeit a more difficult one.  So I'll smile and face this head on knowing that for each obscuring cloud, there is a silver lining to tide me through even the roughest of seas.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

the wedding

                photo credit

and today's
one of those times
when i run away
from the here and now
and drift off
to that faraway place
where there is no you
and your memories
will haunt me the least...

oh how i wish to forget.

and today's
the most painful day
when i watch you
watching her
both of you looking
so perfect for each other
your smile
beaming your pride,
hers a picture
of genuine bliss...
and i smile too
while i try my best
to compartmentalize
my emotions...

oh how i wish to not feel.

and today's
the craziest of days
my tears
making it difficult
to see you
standing in the altar,
eagerly awaiting
the lovely lady
walking down the aisle
to claim her
as your bride.

oh how i wish i'm not here.

and today's
your special day
the atmosphere
in stark contrast
to how i feel
my barely contained
mixed emotions
veering fast
to pained amusement
as you introduce us
myself being the ex
who is now
just a friend.

oh how i hurt.

and today's the day
i finally let go
i hurt, i weep
as i allow myself
to freely feel the pain
i ponder, i write
these mostly bitter
but somewhat sweet lines
as i say goodbye.

tomorrow i will heal.

written last weekend after watching (for the nth time!) My Best Friend's Wedding.