Friday, January 30, 2009

of love. of me.

loving me
may entail
more pain
than a fragile heart 
can ever hold
it's not that i purposefully
or knowingly inflict pain
it's just that 
love sometimes hurts
even when we do our best
to make things work
it's not that i'm unlovable
it's just that i make the process
as challenging but ultimately
just as rewarding as i can make it
and not everyone 
is up to these challenges
it's not that i don't want
to commit myself to someone
it's just that it takes a lot
and a long time for me
to admit someone into my life
and this admission
is not even a guarantee
that i will love him back
it's not that i'm afraid
of getting hurt
it's that i don't want
to cause pain to anyone
it's not that i'm in a rush
it's just that i want
the right time, 
the right reason
and the right person
to fall in love with
it's not that i think
i'm unworthy 
of someone's love
it's just that 
i know my worth
that i won't settle 
for anyone 
less than what i deserve
it's not that love is ideal
my view of it is
it's not love, see
it's me.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Of letting people be...

How come we always put restrictions on other people simply because these restrictions have been somehow imposed on ourselves? We very well know that we have no right. And yet, we keep on expecting people to be like us, to do exactly the same things we do. We keep on hoping they would change for us, to live their lives like we do ours. Or at least try to.

When I was in college, I had a friend who was my sounding board. Almost every week, I would see her and tell her my frustrations - about how a groupmate could not be depended on because her research always came out sloppy... About how I got mad at another friend because she was late and the always punctual me waited for a long time... I would nag this sounding-board friend about how most people could not understand me. And I too could not understand them. I would wonder how they could allow themselves to be careless. Or to not choose to be reliable and dependable... how they could allow mediocrity to rule their lives thus leaving people like me no choice but to make up for their ineptness.

One day, after an especially frustrating day for me, my friend gave me the answer to all my questions. And more. She simply said, "Because they are not you, Lai."

Struck, I just stared at my friend. "I am not going to say anything anymore," she said. "Just ponder on those words."

Later, alone in the confines of my room, I got my pen and my journal. I wanted to write. I badly needed to write. I needed answers. But nothing came to mind. And my friend's words kept playing inside my head.

Because they are not you... Because they are not you... Because they are not you... because they are not you...

I knew I wasn't confused. I knew exactly what my friend meant. I was just in denial - for so long a time. Pondering on her words, something I read once also came back to mind. "Great athletes make lousy coaches."

Admittedly, I had it easy all my life. I remember acing quizzes and exams even when I did not study hard. I excelled in almost anything. I was what they say the perennial achiever. Having shown such abilities, I thus lived a life of expectations. I grew up with an acute sense of people always expecting me to succeed in any endeavor I take... And I imposed the same expectations on people I came across with.

I would think: If I can be on time, why can't she be? If I can make my research or papers detailed, how come hers are not? Why can't they be as meticulous? How come I am always the one who is expected to do this and that?

The answer? It's all on the I. The Me. And the mine... I am me. And s/he is the person that s/he is.

And in some endeavors, it is me who does the work because I can. And s/he cannot.

Can I sing well? I cannot. Can I solve complicated Math problems? I cannot. Can I dance or act or paint? I cannot. And the list goes on and on...

Each one has his or her level. Thus I should not make them perform on my level. Each one has his and her own personality. And I have mine. And this personality makes us who we are. It defines our differences. And it is these differences that make us unique from others.

Lastly, each person is his and her own self. Thus I have no right to change a person just as no one has the right to make me conform to the person that they want or expect me to be.

And so, just as I yearn for people to let me be, I give them the same freedom to be themselves.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Gift of Your Love

I used to think that unconditional love
Certainly does not exist
"Who can selflessly give such love?" I scoffed...
But then you came along and showed me
That indeed, unconditional love is living
In those who draw such love
From God who is love Himself...
To love is by being love ourselves
We are to be love's essence, its embodiment
It is totality -
We either give our best
And our all to the one we love
Or we give nothing at all...
We are to love the person as a whole
Along with her weaknesses and failures
For when we love only the good in her
It is not love but just plain admiration...
But love does not end in our seeing through
Our loved one's human misgivings
For real love is that which helps motivate
Our loved one to rise above her limitations...
I want to thank you for the love
You unselfishly give to us
You just don't know how life-changing
How motivational and inspiring
The gift of your love can be.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Random Thoughts - # 8


Expect nothing for expectations ruin spontaneity. Just let everything and everyone around you run their natural course and you will find out that life is full of beautiful surprises to dazzle you.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Ushering in the Year 2009

Time flies swiftly. Another year has passed and a new dawn has come. The New Year always brings me hope – for a better self, a better country, a better world… a better everything. Of course, I cannot just hope. I also have to act. Thus, since I was a child, I have not been making New Year resolutions. What I make are my goals for the year.

This year, it is my goal to be closer to God. Enough with my goals for myself. God first and everything else will follow. This is my utmost goal for I know that with God leading my life, I am bound to a life of profound meaning and wonders. Without Him, I am nothing. I will not become a better person. And without Him too, I cannot do anything.

The New Year also brings me gratitude. I thank God for a wonderful year (the Year 2008) and I thank Him too for the gift of another year.

The brightest of hopes. Unwavering faith. Sincere love. Inner serenity. These, with God’s grace, I desire for this year.

I am looking forward to another memorable and wonderful year. Let another chapter of my life unfold…