Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
When I was a kid, I was teased for being “negra” because of my complexion. With cousins who are all mestiza-looking, I was the odd one out. Next to these paternal cousins, I thought I looked like their house helper. People’s teasing and jokes, no matter how well-meaning they may be, hurt. My self esteem was crushed. Thus, I disliked my morena (light brown) coloring as I was growing up.
I also sometimes wish to be someone I am not. I would wish I were better at singing and dancing. I would wish I knew how to draw and paint or to play any sport magnificently. I also would wish I were good in Math and with anything that has to do with numbers.
So many wishes have I got that are contrary to what I have. So many ideals and perfect things in my mind. Comparisons have gotten me nowhere. It’s either I become proud because I, for example, got a better grade than what a classmate got or, sad because someone got a grade higher than mine. Too busy was I looking for what others have that I do not have that I failed to see my own blessings.
Now is that right time, Lord. I gratefully and lovingly accept everything that I am and everything that I have. I accept my past as it is - all the smiles, the laughter, the tears, the pains and the struggles. I accept everything as parts of your great plan for me. I am who I am now because of my history. I also accept people and things in my life as they are, not as I want them to be. Each of us is unique, differently made and differently gifted. I can not have everything I want nor can anyone. You as our Great Creator knows us by heart. You know each one of us inside and out. You know and gives us only what is best for us. If we do not have it, we don’t need it.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Or everything is just
Too good to be true
I just turn to you
And the confusion and doubts
And those endless, nagging questions
Then become words of assurance and comfort
And wonderful feelings of empathy and hope.
Whenever the day seems
As dark as the night
You would just look into my eyes
And smile at me
And I would know right then
That everything will be all right.
Whenever I think I'm weak
And can not win over life's challenges
You would just pat my shoulder
And I would know right then
That I can go on and succeed
And that I am worth more
Than what I had thought.
I may not know
What lies ahead of me
But one thing I know of
Is the fact that with you around
I need not be afraid
For you are my guiding light
That spells of faith and hope and love
Life's a wonderful, meaningful journey
Because I journey through it
Alongside of you.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
with promising romance
and possible exquisite heartache
am trying to...
but i can't help feeling
i just can't...
maybe this is the way i am -
tightly wrapped in an intense need
to protect myself from possible pains
that i end up holding back
trusting but still wary
caring so much
and loving sincerely
but doing my damnedest
to appear detached
which would eventually lead to
my pushing my loved ones away...
that in my desire
to save myself from pains
i ultimately end up
being the inflictor
of my own hurts.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Love is truth. Truth, bliss. In loving each other, life is at its most colorful... in its happiest... in its peak. A simple thing is made special because the two of us share it.
Love is freedom - the beauty grasped in the conviction that when we are together, each can be just her true self, with no masks or protective barriers for we know that each is accepted and loved by the other for who and what that self really is. We have differences, yes, but these differences more so deepen our understanding of and our love for each other.
Love is totality. We either give the best in us and give our all or give nothing at all. Love is also totality in the sense that when we love, we love the person as a whole, along with her human failures. We do not love each other only for our good attributes for if we do that, we are not loving but just admiring.
Love is blind, the cliché goes but ours is not. We see our faults and weaknesses but we choose to see beyond those. We do not dwell on our imperfections. No one is perfect, anyway. Our weaknesses are known to and accepted us part of each other but when you motivate me to know and face my weaknesses, you actually are giving me the strength to overcome those same weaknesses and the inspiration to rise above my human limitations. Motivate is the operative word - gentle and nurturing. We also motivate each other to change for the better, possibly to become the best that each can be. Again, motivate, not force, is the word - gentle and nurturing, as we are to each other.
Love is being. That’s the utmost lesson your good heart taught me. We are to be love incarnate. We are to be its essence, its epitome. We cannot love without being love ourselves.
Love is a mystery... Too deep to fathom and too powerful a word to be fully defined. It is beyond reason. Countless times have I wondered as I do now of how we became friends or when everything had started. I have come up not with answers but with even more questions to answer. For instance, was it you who initiated our friendship? I used to evade you like the plague, having heard many negative things about you, even having witnessed myself your moodiness. How come we became friends, really good friends? Is there such a thing as a destined friendship? I have asked myself those nagging questions a lot of times. I have pondered... and mused... but I have gotten only splitting headaches. It is until now that I learned this: There are things in life that are beyond reason. Ponder not for even the most intellectual and genius of us will never really fathom the wonders that only God knows of. Just let some things be what they are – puzzles and mysteries. And since our friendship is such, I will leave it at that.
Love is what you continuously share with me. Not just any love but a true, life-changing one. And so now, I want to thank you, my beloved friend – thank you for making me see things at a different perspective. Thank you for making me live my life as I have never lived it. Most of all, thank you for your love.
From my heart, thank you.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Help me I’m fallin’
Fallin’ fast again
Why do I always take a fall
When I fall in love
It’s just that I recall
Back when I was small
Someone promised that they’d catch me
And then they let me fall
The pain was incomparable for then, it was only physical pain. Love’s sting was more vicious. It gnawed at the very void in me – wanting to be filled but remained empty.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I never thought I needed someone
Till you came along
I’ve always thought I’m better off alone
Till you showed me otherwise
I never thought that shielding myself from hurt
Is for myself to become an even greater loser
Till you taught me that living and loving
Is about taking risks
I want to always come out strong but you showed me
That it is sometimes okay to be vulnerable and that
It is even better to show this vulnerability to someone
Because then someone would be strong for me
Life has never been the same
Since you came into my life
You make me feel proud yet humbled
For the person that I am
With you, I don’t need to be always lovable
Or always at my best because you understand
And accept me as I am
With you, I also come to surpass own myself
And go beyond my self-sufficiency
Because you inspire me to do better
Be greater, love more and give more...
It never occurred to me that being loved
And having someone to love are the best things
That can ever happen to anyone
Till you came along.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I have this habit of doing a once-in-a-year cleanup of my treasure box. In it are my journals, letters and cards and other stuff. It’s a treasure trove that holds my important keepsakes and whose contents never fail to bring back smiles, sometimes tears and always, fondness.
And as I rummaged through my treasure box, I found this entry from one of my journals.
As I go through the events of my life, I realized that God was in each event I have had. With every smile, with every laughter, even with every tear and every pain, God was there. God was shaping me and my life, molding all that I was to become what I am now... to gradually become what He wanted me to be...
I am grateful to God for His gifts. I thank Him for each precious memory. Just remembering the happy moments of my life is a wonderful experience. Until now, just the memory of each moment still brings me smiles and warmth. God was in each happy moment but He was not just a spectator. He was the Great Planner and the Guiding Light of the events of my life. I may not be aware then of the wonders He was making in my life but now the joys I felt then are doubled for I know God was taking care of me.
Of course, there were times when I thought He was not with me. There were times I questioned if He was listening to me... if He was there for if He was, why was I in pain. There were times when I doubted Him. I thought He didn’t care. I thought He was neglecting me and my cries. But now, as I look back, I realized He never left me. I was able to surpass each trial because of Him and the graces He gave me. In the first place, He never did give me a trial too big for me to face and conquer. With every pain, I grew. With every doubt, my faith intensified. With every temptation, my resolve strengthened. With every acknowledgment of my weakness, He lifted me up.
And so I thank Him now for each trial and difficulties that ever came my way. Now I know why there were sacrifices and suffering in my life – with my struggles came a better me.
God was, is and will be in every phase of my life. He was with me from the moment He planned of creating me. He has already written my biography with His own mighty hand.
I may not know what lies ahead of me but I need not be afraid – God is there. He is here. God is in me. He is taking care of me. I am His child. He loves me. He knows and will give me what is best for me.
Life has its uncertainties but I have my assurance in my God.
From my journal entry, written in 2003
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
words of utmost caring
but did you really mean them?
you knew what made me tick.
so you dished them out
lavishly and creatively.
words have always been
i thrive on them.
but words are my weakness too…
that when you armed yourself with them,
i was helpless.
and so i succumbed
to the power of your words.
to the most blissful of joys,
they touchingly spell out
but words could turn sour
and yours did
the moment you hurled
words of accusations and excuses at me.
your words hurt.
you tried to make amends
by again arming yourself
maybe even carefully rehearsed
but i grew deaf to them.
so i said the only word
that could save me
in your coming’s wake
are words strewn here and there
the words that used to inspire me,
the words i thrived on and breathed
are now just mere words
spoken but unmeant.
such hurtful words.
i now regret
savoring your words
for now i am left
a bitter aftertaste of them
in my mouth.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Life is too short and so I make the most of it.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
what have you done to me then?
you got me
are you reading my mind now?
thoughts of you...
make me believe again
Monday, September 22, 2008
For you these past days
You are going through a tough time
And you just can’t help but feel down
But my friend do remember
That the world has its ups and downs
And so when tough times come
Face it courageously
Be strong because I know
You are a person of inner strength
Don’t ever despair, look beyond your troubles
Think of the sunshine after the rain
And of the rainbow after the storm
We may not always see the moon or the sun
But we firmly believe that it’s up there
Just hiding behind the clouds
You can lose everything
But never ever let yourself lose hope
For it is your hope
That will carry you through your tough times
And never ever also think that you are alone
Because you have me
Friday, September 19, 2008
When I’m feeling down, she’s there to lift my weary spirits up. Even when many people, even I, have ceased believing in myself, she believes in me still. Her faith in me is amazing, giving me the inspiration and the courage to emerge a winner during trying times.
At times when I have my share of misgivings and others have left me because of them, she stays with me. She’s there to understand without being judgmental. When I need to cry, she offers me her shoulders and doesn’t mind having her shirt drenched with my tears.
She is that person who has seen my worst but knows better than to give up on me. She believes I am not a hopeless case or a lost cause. She helps me get through life and makes me strive to be a better person.
With her, I need not be anyone else other than my own, true self because she accepts and loves me as I am. My worth for her is not measured by what I can give or by what I can do. She doesn’t even measure it in whatever means because for her, I am irreplaceable and my worth immeasurable.
A true friend is rare, true. That is why I feel so lucky to have found you.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
buildings and skyscrapers
as high as my dreams
as chaotic as my wayward thoughts
blinding lights from cars
admonishing me to slow down...
where am i going?
i walk aimlessly
as my mother's parting words
keep playing inside my head
"what does a man gain
if he loses his soul?"
it's a dog-eat-dog world i'm in
but i made it.
an enviable career woman.
but what do all these entail?
spending christmas alone.
missing family reunions
not being able to attend birthdays, weddings
and other memorable events
in the lives of my loved ones.
suddenly i feel so lonely.
and i walk not
but trudge home.
where is home?
is it the four corners of my apartment
with its balcony with a view of the city
and its modern comforts?
and so i find myself missing my room
in the house i grew up in...
i miss my mom
and my dad
and my siblings
i miss home.
written in December 2006 while I was still working in my former company. This was when I felt all burned-out. And stressed. Two weeks after I wrote this, I tendered my resignation, packed my bags and went home in our province. Home sweet home.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
And to love still even when it hurts
To obey the Father as you have obeyed Him
And to obey Him still even when
My own will clashes against His
To give generously and to give more
Even when I barely have enough for myself
And to give still even when I have nothing
To be trusting and faithful to the Father
And to be more so when trials arise
To gladly embrace the cross and share in your sufferings
And to offer to others the same consolation
That you have been offering me all these times
To be more like you
And less like my proud, fickle self...
Monday, September 15, 2008
should I put my heart
in the line for you
even when I know
that when I do
i will risk
or subjecting it
to ecstatic heights?
will be your doing
so be very careful
will be my doing
because I can
make a fortress
of my heart
who wishes to enter.
to ecstatic heights
will be our doing -
but can I really
let myself wade
into love’s waters
even when I know
that there is still
love’s a risk
and we really
can’t win over it
if we won’t
the first step
Friday, September 12, 2008
Who will shelter you from any harm
And you are such to me
But do you know what makes you a better friend?
It is the fact that sometimes,
You do not shelter me but instead
Allow me stumble, fall and be hurt
And it is not because you want me to
But because you know that there are things in life
That I have to experience myself
And learn on my own - sometimes the hard way
And because their are circumstances too
Beyond your or anyone else's control
That are behind those pain and hurt...
Hard times are not that hard
Because throughout each time of confusion or pain,
You are there - the hands to lift me up,
The shoulders to lean on,
The eyes to see me through
And the heart that brings me smiles and love
In times when they matter most...
And after such trying times,
Valuable lessons are learned,
A stronger heart is created in me
And a better person is made.
What I am now
Is hugely because of what you are
And I thank you for being you
And do you know what I'm thinking about right now?
It is that someday,
I may be what you are.
You are my inspiration.
That I believe in angels
For since I came to know you,
That angels need not have wings
Nor do they have to be in heaven
In today's world we have real-life angels...
People who do not have wings
But with their hands,
Get to reach out to others
And touch many lives
With their empathetic nature
Even with their smiles and the gentlest of touches
And the way they mirror God
In their kind words and deeds.
People who inspire others to give
As these real-life angels generously give
To serve as they constantly and faithfully serve
And to love as they selflessly love
People who are God's instruments
In making joy, beauty, hope and love known
To those whose lives are continuously being touched
By these heaven-sent, real-life angels...
I am one of those whose life
Is continuously being touched
By an angel who is just so true
I can not thank God enough
For His wonderful, precious gift
Of a real-life angel in you.
For the Religious of Mary Immaculate (RMI) Sisters
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Undeniably, you were one of the best things that had ever happened to me. And one of the worst. Life’s just like that sometimes – a paradox. Contradicting.
We started out just fine. Yin & Yang. Soulmates, we teased. We complemented each other, much to our delight for it’s rare that each one of us clicked with another person. We’re kindred souls, was why.
Meant to be? We sure thought so up until that point when we realized that too many similarities could sour a relationship. And our response to the niggling problem was the same too – we were too stubborn and proud to allow ourselves to compromise. “This is what I am even before you met me…” peppered our arguments, this thought and others along the same line echoed by both of us.
I got tired of arguing so I said goodbye and never looked back. A cowardly and totally selfish act, I realized in hindsight for we could have settled things if only we were open to a confrontation, a resolution.
I did not know how I survived. Maybe I am an innate survivor. Or the grandest pretender in the planet.
Have I really moved on? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on what I want to believe, really.
We never really say goodbye to the best things in our lives.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
In the end, I cried for you. It was me who shed the tears you refused to cry. I cried and cried. I cried till I cursed the two of us. Till I cursed all of them.
But darn! Why are we so proud to admit that we do have needs?
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Whenever my older brother and I would quarrel, mommy would step in and tell me to give way for my older brother because he was older.
When my younger brother and I had misunderstandings, it was a different matter altogether. Mommy would pull me aside then tell me to be patient with and more understanding of my little brother because I was older.
Like what? Why couldn’t she tell my older brother to be more understanding of and giving to his little sister? Or tell my younger brother to let his older sister be? It was really contradicting and mind-boggling for a child my age.
Thankfully, that set up did not instill feelings of bitterness in me. I did not rebel but instead became more understanding. I learned to strike a balance among three hyperactive siblings. I was the peacemaker, the mediator in countless childish tantrums and petty quarrels.
I read in a book once that middle children are insecure attention seekers. I googled "Middle Child" as I am doing this blog and came up with a "Middle Child Syndrome." What I found out made me chuckle.
The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure.
I admit that in my childhood years, I had these issues. It stopped though the moment I turned ten. By then, I had mastered the art of compromise when it came to my brothers. More importantly, I learned to bask on my individuality. And my brothers' too.
I love what Dr. Robert Needlman wrote in this article. Aptly titled Middle Children: Finding Their Own Pride of Place, it delved into the psyche of middle children and detailed their importance not only in the family but in society as well.
Middle children, who are usually smaller than their older siblings while they're growing up, often learn non-aggressive strategies to get what they want, such as negotiation, cooperation, or seeking parental intervention. As the underdogs themselves in many sibling conflicts, middle children often develop a fine sense of empathy with the downtrodden, as do many youngest children. Where first and last children may tend to be self-centered, middle children often take a genuine interest in getting to know other people. Being in the middle, they may find it easier to look at interpersonal situations from various points of view.
But this uncomfortable feeling of not having a defined place in the family may actually turn out to be an advantage. Unlike first children, who often define success by their ability to meet their parents' expectations, middle children are more prone to rebel against the status quo. This observation is the main point of a fascinating book, Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives, by Frank J. Sulloway. The book also argues that birth order--the middle position in particular--is one of the prime forces behind the scientific and social revolutions that drive history forward. I'd wager that most middle children had no idea that they were so important.
I seek not attention but understanding. Not misunderstandings but peace. I may have resented being a middle child when I was too young to fully grasp my significance in our home but now I can only sing praises for being the middle child in the family because if not for it, I wouldn’t be the responsible, understanding and mature adult that I am now.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Would you sell your soul in order to have the love of your life?
I wouldn't because then it (the act of trading my soul for love) is a very selfish, possessive kind of "love" which in itself is not loving but merely an ownership of another human being.
Also, I can't imagine loving "soullessly" or "being soulless." The soul is credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion. To "be" and to "love" without a soul is futile. And senseless.
The soul is the central or integral part, the vital core of one's being thus to lose it is to lose all as even in the after-life, the soul is that which will bring us either eternal happiness or damnation.
I just edited the capitalization as before, I used to post my answers in the said forum using small letters. Click HERE to view the question's link.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Some (or most) people can be so cold of heart or just plain apathetic. I notice this every day – giggling teens texting or eating while an impoverished child trails behind them begging for alms, a yuppie-looking guy in the MRT not caring to offer his seat to a woman or an elderly or people jostling and even cursing to board the train heedless that they might trample the pregnant, the child or the physically challenged among them. Then, there’s this “new breed” of people who have their earphones permanently glued to their ears, seemingly oblivious to what’s around them as long as they have their music to listen to. There are also those who would rather doze off or pretend to be sleeping to be spared offering their seat to somebody else.
It saddens me that while we claim to have reached the pinnacle of being civilized and modern, our concern to our neighbors is actually dwindling. So are some of our values. Why, one’s lucky to hear an appropriate apology these days or a sincere thank you. Just the other day, a guy collided into me but I didn’t hear a peep of “excuse me” or even a hasty apology from him. More and more people too are forgetting to smile and be generally nice and polite to everyone. There’s this misplaced “mind your own business” business that I find it difficult at times to reach out to others.
Today’s life is too fast-paced that most people are rushing headlong into it without fully enjoying the trip or bothering to accommodate others into their lives. There’s misunderstood “equality.” Chivalry’s dead. I heard one guy in the MRT telling his companion that if men can stand during an MRT trip, women can too. Like whaaat?! Of course we can but the point is that offering his seat to a woman shows a man’s character. Apathy is widespread and so is negative individualism (I call this the “me, myself, mine and I” syndrome).
I know that I am not the only one harboring these thoughts. But maybe, just maybe, I’m the one feeling more lost than others because others have already become accustomed to such. But not I, not now, not ever…for always, in those instances, I’d feel disoriented – being with the crowd but “lost” among them.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
"We need to thank God if we learn to love gratuitously. It's purely a grace and a gift. It's the highest form of love that we can offer to persons. You have this gift... Be grateful to God... That's why you're special. I thank you for being you... really :)"
Have I turned cold and calculating? Loving only when there is a guarantee of being loved back? Taking only calculated risks? And bolting out the door the moment I get scared that love is asking too much from me?
My friend said it is purely a grace and a gift. Maybe I am now loving humanely. Human love gets tired. Fed up. It has the tendency to give up when the heart becomes too bruised and hurt to love. Human love can get selfish. It has the capacity for jealousy. And revenge. It can shut people out, make itself go numb...
I may have the gift of loving people gratuitously but I am human too. And therein lies my difficulty because gratuitous love hurts. So much.
And I don't want to be hurt that much ever again.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Do people deserve second chances? How come we sometimes resolve to giving a loved one third, fourth, fifth and for some, heaven forbid that this will happen to me, nth chances?
Unconditional love, they say. "Phooey!" I say. Yes, that's a scoff you're hearing. Why? Because I am yet to find that.
Is anyone, anyone human, I mean, capable of such? I believe that capacity belongs to God and God alone because He is God and we aren't.
Don't we have expectations from our loved one? Don't we sometimes put restrictions on them? Don't people sometimes demand for something from someone?
Love is a two-way traffic and the moment the loving, the understanding and the giving become one sided, it becomes burdensome.
Love fails to be unconditional for that simple reason - it has the condition of reciprocity. For a relationship to work, there has to be mutual respect and trust. It is a partnership where both must work with and for each other. Both must learn how to compromise, to meet each other halfway without breaking, without losing either party's identity or principles.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
pitch black sky
even to the bones
of loneliness and pain
staring up the sky
lost in jumbled thoughts
through the clouds
gently bringing forth
over one forsaken being
from a concocted
world of drudgeries
and of her
she was, is and never
will be alone
for God is always
looking after her
and there are
in her life
who love her
as she is
the very same people
believe in her.
relief, joy and hope
sweet and tantalizing
sweep over her
the world is good
life is good
everything is good
i am that being
and you are that moon
and of my life.
for illuminating my life
throughout those dark
and trying times.
written during my teen years, maybe when I was 15 to 17.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
He was just impossible. And horrible. And damned unreasonable. I hate that kind of person – he who flaunts his money, clout and power, who thinks he owns the world and anyone in it just because he is rich.
Being rich is not an excuse to be rude. Indeed, all the luxuries and privileges in this world would not entitle one to decency and breeding.
Being rich does not entail anyone the right to be nasty, demeaning and arrogant. Yes, we did a mistake (a slight one at that) with his hotel reservations but having him all worked up and breathing down our necks with as much anger and sarcasm as he could muster was unnecessary. So was the SOB curse that he directed to my colleague.
That’s what really made me angry. The curse. And the fact that no apologies would suffice, not one among the many logical reasons and explanations was acceptable to him. It was crazy! Reasoning with him was futile and draining - emotionally, mentally and physically, because it was like reasoning with a two-year old, if not with a demented person. At least, a two-year old child would be nice.
In my three years in the business, I especially hate hearing this line, said with dripping pompousness, “Do you know who I am?” Hearing this question makes me see red that sometimes, I am tempted to answer, “No, sir. Because you are not as famous as you think you are and your clout does not reach this far.” But of course, being the customer-oriented person that I am (or maybe, I am just nice), I would simply sweetly say no. Good thing Mr. Rich Guy did not make the mistake of saying those words or I would have forgotten being customer-oriented and nice.
I really don’t have anything against rich people. Some rich people are actually nice and it is just ironic that those who are really rich are the ones who are humble. The nouveau riche, meanwhile are the ones who are arrogant. They are the ones so obsessed with flaunting their newfound wealth, so vain in thinking that everyone knows them and they can make people do what they demand just because they have the money.
Being the arrogant and self-centered nouveau riche that he is, no wonder Mr. Rich Guy came out downright rude. Too bad we live in a sue-happy society or I would just gladly tell him to shut up and get lost.
Thus this blog. Just so I can let it all out.
reprinted from my Friendster blog, dated July 17, 2007. Why? 'coz just this morning I had a phone call that is almost similar to what transpired last year. It's actually worse because the lady was very unreasonable and inexcusably rude even when it is not our fault but hers. And I am so pissed to even consider doing a different blog.
Friday, July 11, 2008
What you didn't have...
And I should have
Known better than to expect
That you would change.
Were what fueled me
Or was it just
Created the illusion
That things were working out
You were good at them
Were you not?
And I was an all too willing
What a letdown.
Then I chose to see
And the illusion
Shattered right before
My very eyes
And reality could only get
This time though
I'd be wiser
I'd gladly embrace the pain
And for my own sake
Would never let myself
In my pain
Would come my healing.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I also love being alone with my thoughts and most of my thought-provoking questions and answers come at night, sometimes unbidden. It is as if it is at this time that I am at my most aware, vulnerable even. Some thoughts sometimes scare me. Other times they bring elation. Still at times they veer crazily to hilarity. Or insanity.
The night is quiet and it is in this silence that my heart and mind find their refuge. In the serenity of the night is the blanket that warms and soothes me as I lie awake.
Sometimes too, I wear the darkness of the night as my cloak and prowl the streets. The wind will whip my hair and the breeze will gently caress my face. And a myriad of thoughts will still come of course.
The night is still but I am not.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
In the goodness in each person
And in the wonders and mysteries of life and of living
I believe in lasting friendship
In love and in bonds
That tie hearts together
I believe in differences and contrasts
But I also believe that empathy and understanding
Bridge differences and that contrasts
Often complement two opposite individuals
I believe in sunshine after the rain
In lessons learned after moments of sorrow and pain
And in joy felt
Even in suffering and in sacrificing
I believe in the magic of believing
In the power of hoping and in cherishing dreams
And in striving to reach those dreams
I believe in God and in His greatness
In His goodness and in His constant love
I believe in His presence
For I see and feel Him working in you
And I believe He is looking after me
When He gave me the precious gift
Of a wonderful friend in you.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I held myself in check and forced the tears back in. I tried to focus – stared at the sky, willed myself to look for a constellation or anything of interest to no avail. I was staring but unseeing… Unseeing but still feeling… At this time of the night, everything seemed quiet and at peace. Everything but my heart… I shivered but not from the cold. I shivered from the emptiness within.
Loss had always been a painful experience but if there were successive losses, the pain could become too much. It could get unbearable even for a strong person like me. If those successive losses too happened at even frequent intervals, then that unbearable pain either became consuming or transcendent. And the former was happening to me now, no matter how fervently I wished for the pain to teach me to tolerate it more so I could exceed my normal pain threshold and in the process, move on.
Sometimes, I just wished I would go numb but no matter how much I tried, the pain just wouldn’t go away. There were times too when I wished that it’s not the pain but you who would go away. You whom I thought were different from them. How ironic that I lost you but the love that I so wanted to lose remained in me, festering like some wound that refused to heal. I was being haunted by the memories that I wanted to get away from, tortured by the very reason for my happiness not quite long ago.
I could really go on ranting and raving and getting all vexed about this whole pain thing but you know what, just looking up at the dark sky, with clouds sometimes obscuring my view of the stars and even the moon, I just realized that life’s pretty much the same – it could get dark and gloomy but there would always be something to brighten it. I just needed to see beyond the hindrance. The night sky had its stars and the moon, with the moon giving the brightest luminescence but even the smallest star could give some illumination, right?
I may have felt kind of hopeless and empty but the fact that I was feeling and hurting meant that I cared. And you know what’s best? It’s the fact that the best thing about being in pain was my not being dead. I lived and I’d go on fighting. I would definitely survive this like I survived my past losses.
There’s a flicker of hope in me. Just a tiny flicker, like a tiny star in the vast city skyline, but a flicker nonetheless…
I had been holding on to this pain, holding it in for so long that it had somehow consumed me. Now I knew better…
And so I let go and let this pain transcend.
written on October 2007
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Life goes on. It has always been what it all was. Life is about people coming into and going out of our lives and this truth will always stand.
Goodbye has never been easy but is inevitable. But why should I be sad just because you are leaving? Only your physical self will go. In my mind and more so in my heart, you stay. The many memories we've shared will definitely linger. And treasured of course.
You taught me so much. I am thankful to God for the moments that He let us share the gift of ourselves with each other. You have touched my life in many ways. It is now time for you to touch other people's lives in the place where your new journey begins.
In letting go is strength. In moving on is God's grace. Detachment is not to deny but to give life. Not to disintegrate with others but to be one with one's self and be a part of the different wholes we belong to. Not to refuse love but to love truly and fully.
I am saying goodbye but only temporarily. Our paths had once intersected. I eagerly await the time when our paths will again meet.
The horizon is filled with smiles. Life has its many twists and turns. I will be waiting for you at the next bend.
Till we meet again and until we do, I entrust you to our good Lord's keeping.
For you. You know who you are... And believe me, now I know what you mean by "sweet tears."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
We've both been fools
Where the other is concerned.
You want me to be still
While I yearn to spread my wings
And fly to paths
I want you
To express things
In black and white
But you would rather have them
Makes you feel safer
Two very similar individuals
Used to getting his
And her own ways
Never did define
Either one of us
And even for what "could be"
We refuse to let down
You twist words
To best suit you
You make and break
And bend the rules
To your advantage
And I do the same
Quite as cunningly.
What good does it do then
In a battle of wits
And more so, of wills
Where is the sense
In all these
When we both know
That each wants the upper hand
And will not consider
Where have you led me
All these times
But to the utmost distraction
Of my mind?
But my will
Will never be broken.
This is not
Of my defeat
But rather, of my ending
This senseless journey
For I have grown
Now I spread
The wings you clipped
And start flying.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Beauty is being contented with and accepting of
who and what she really is.
It is the strength in her character,
the confidence, optimism, joy and hope
that she has in the way she lives life to the fullest.
It is in her warm, caring & nurturing nature,
In the way she is a “mother” to all.
A woman is not perfect
and she does not try to be
But her beauty is best seen
in how she carries herself in trying, difficult times.
A woman’s beauty is in her courage & bravery
to fight life’s challenges head on.
It is in her being aware of her inadequacies
and in knowing full well
How to make the most of them.
A woman is beautiful
and her only affirmation in that
is her belief in herself.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Fast forward to a couple of years after she bid goodbye to him. His face still sometimes haunts her. She remembers his smiles and misses a lot of things about him. And then she realizes, maybe her friend is right. Maybe there really is just one true and great love for each one of us. That one person with that special smile, that special way of looking at her that makes her feel as though she is the prettiest girl in the world. The very same person who makes her heart beat faster and brings out the best and the worst in her... That rare person who can make her life into a series of upheavals, a roller coaster ride of mixed feelings and bittersweet moments. For her, that person is he – he who made her define and defy love...
reprinted from my Friendster blog dated July 17, 2007.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
When the world closes in on you
Let me be there and I will be with you
The whole time through
Let me be the one to pick you up
When you stumble and fall
I'll give you my strength, I'll give my all
For you to again stand tall
Let me be the shoulders you lean on
The same shoulders that you can cry on
Come what may, I'll be there
Bearing with you what you have to bear
Let me be your friend
I give you a friendship that will never end
You can always trust and rely on me
Believe, and let me be.
written when I was 10
Friday, May 2, 2008
Song Title: My Guardian Angel