Monday, March 30, 2009

Our Friendship

Hand in hand, we walked along the winding path of life
The sky was azure in color, the sun was shining brightly down on us
The path was strewn with flowers, the grass a vivid green
Butterflies fluttered, birds sang
Our hearts were filled with smiles and joy
A twist here, a bend there
On and on we went until the scene shifted
The sky became dark, there came a flash of lightning
And a clap of thunder
As the rain started pelting down on us
Outright scared was I
But you held my hand tighter, conveying your message
Of quiet strength and timely comfort
And kindling in me unfailing hope and the faith
In myself, in you and in Someone far greater than us
There will always be the three of us
We can do everything, anything...
And so we braved the storm and we did triumph over it
The scene again shifted, the path was again flower-strewn
Beyond the horizon was the imagery of The Face we long to see
Ever gentle, serene and brimming with love
Beckoning us to go after Him
We exchanged looks and smiles for we knew
He is our Purpose, our Goal
Still hand in hand, we continued our journey
Knowing that our friendship is not just about you or me
But it is also about the two of us - two different individuals
Bound by our shared lives
Lives focused on only one direction - on God
And on God alone.

Friday, March 13, 2009

heart talk

be still
be strong
never for once
doubt your resilience
never mind that
you've been fooled not once
but thrice
or have loved and lost
a couple of times
gather strength
from your memory
of picking up
your broken pieces
and enduring
the pain of having
each broken shard,
each jagged edge
and becoming stronger
because of them
how you painstakingly
put together each piece
while learning to let go
look back on the time
when in the brink
of a breakdown,
you rallied admirably
and moved on
with rare grace...
never fear
to love again
or hold back
just because
love stung you
just stay strong
and continue loving
till it hurts
no more.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Scar(R)ed No More

I have this perennial fear of failing. For as long as I can remember, I have always been afraid to fail not just myself but other people as well, especially my loved ones.

I know there are times when failing is inevitable. It is simply a part of life. Reality would not have been clearly delineated if we do not experience failure at some points of our lives. But what I really fear is the disappointment my failure would cause to anyone. It pains me to be disappointed by the people I believe in and so I try so hard, do my best, to live up to their expectations, no matter how high these expectations are. Or sometimes, how silly.

When I was in high school, one of my life’s utmost humiliations transpired. You see, I was a consistent honor student since my nursery years. I always did well in school, even excelled in almost all my subjects, except Math. I always belonged to the top section but this was only until my 3rd year in high school as in my senior year, I was put in section 2. I was aghast. Mad, even. Mad is actually an understatement as in a phase of raging hormones and blatant rebellion, hate prevailed. I hated the school’s system. And some teachers, especially the principal. I hated some classmates. Hated almost everyone, even my family. But most of all, I hated myself. I hated and blamed myself for letting a lot of people down. For letting myself down.

The event left me scarred. And scared. Of failing. Of it happening again. Of disappointing people. And then hating and blaming myself for it. From then on, I did my damnedest to always excel in everything. If prior to the incident I was already an achiever, after it, I was more so it was scary as I seemed to be obsessed with always coming out a winner in each and every event I allowed myself to participate in. Allowed being the operative word as from then on, I took only calculated risks. I was so hellbent on achieving success that if there were what they call the cream of the crop, I wanted to be the cream of the cream of the crop.

Looking deep down into myself, I realized that aside from not wanting to disappoint my loved ones, I fear failure because I equated success with people’s capacity for love. I thought that if I fail, my loved ones will love me less. Or that my peers will not like me just as much. Such utterly stupid rationale. Because for these past years, no matter how many times I have been let down by my loved ones, I love them just the same. I even love them more in their times of failure as in those times, they are in utmost need of love. Of the reassurance that their worth does not diminish when life deals them with one of its blows. That they are loved and accepted as they are, no matter what, come what may.

Disappointments and failure do hurt. But in the past years, I learned that like failure, disappointment is as much a part of our lives as breathing. That for each endeavor we take, there is the possibility of failing and feelings of disappointment are just but natural reaction to it. Life is a gamble and if we do not make the first move of taking the risk, we cannot win.

I am no longer bound by failure’s ties. I expunge any fear I have of it. It may have left its scars on me but the scars are gradually healing.

I am also no longer scared. I am now free. From this point on, I will allow myself the total freedom to stumble once in a while. Each experience has its lessons for us and in some cases, failure is often the best teacher.

I embrace any possibility of failure. For I am scarred with and scared of it no more.