There's Nothing Like Love

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There's nothing like love to throw you off course

or straighten your path.

To make you wary of taking risks

or propel you to take the leap of faith.

To make you fear  

or trust implicitly.

To make you hit rock bottom

Or take you to the greatest of heights.

To bring out the inner monster in you 

that you feel hurt and jealous all at the same time,

or even unreasonable.  

But it can also create 

an understanding, giving heart in you

and even inspire you to be selfless.

There's nothing like love 

to take you to a life of upheavals 

but it will be 

your most thrilling rollercoaster ride yet...

Whatever it is that love brings you, 

remember that it is your doing - 

your choice.

So love wisely,

taking care of not just his heart

but of yours as well.

Past and Future Love

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Seasons change and people too

But I believe that some feelings don't

The clock keeps on ticking and people come and go

But our longing for them just continues to grow.

We may forget some of yesterday's memories

But those that we wove with that special someone 

Would remain, and may even haunt us

That we couldn't help but look back on what was.

I miss your smiles, those bedimpled cheeks

And the way your knowing eyes would look me over

I miss all the laughter, and even our silly fights

And the kiss-and-make-up that is sure to come later.

I sorely miss the way you always inspire me

Those words and acts of love that you share

But most of all I miss being with you

And being enveloped in your sweet and tender care.

I remember all these, and painfully, more

For I also remember the day we parted ways

I remember saying goodbye for I thought it was best

Turning a deaf ear to the pleas you expressed.

Until now, I don't know why or how we drifted apart

And I have stopped trying to analyze everything

All I know is that somewhere, somehow, we changed

That what used to be two sides of a coin became estranged.

Things happen for a reason, so they always say

And maybe, ours is to learn to lose ourselves to an US

Because admit it, when we were together we seldom compromise

Self-absorbed and stubborn, to our own self each one relies.

I still believe that what happened is for the best

And though I still sometimes miss you, I can smile

Knowing that you and I have grown individually

In ways that our being together did not allow us to be. 

Wherever you are, my love, I hope you now know

That sometimes the greater proof of love is in letting go

May love teach us to truly love in ways we failed the other

That we may become braver, wiser and better.

Mirror of Truth

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Life used to be one big theater for me

I had to play, I had to act

Masks and facades and barriers

Had all been a part of me

That sometimes they became my "truth."

And do I have to tell you

That before I resented you?

I disliked the way

You were seeing right through me

For that meant I wasn't convincing enough.

Others saw the smiles and claimed

They felt my joy

But you saw how empty those smiles were.

You saw the pain beneath,

The uncertain, vulnerable child that I was

Hidden behind those masks.

I tried my best to avoid those probing eyes

I was wary of the wisdom those knowing eyes held.

If I could then shut myself from you, I would

For you "scared" me and it's not because

You were mean or ill-tempered

But because you knew me so well

That I felt vulnerable with and around you

And no one wants to be vulnerable, right?

Pride dictated me to shun you

So no one would then read me accurately

No one would know my heart and being but me

But you were so understanding of and patient in

Just letting me be, waiting for me to mellow and mature

While doing your best to help me probe deepest into myself

That I may bring to light the real me.

Little by little, my defenses came crumbling down

Until finally, nothing was left but my true self 

The very self that I used to hide and deny surfaced...

I no longer resent you, in fact I never did.

I just thought I did but now I know 

That those were just resistances...

I'm glad that all those masks are now gone

I no longer act, I never will again

For life is no grand theater, 

Everything and everyone is real

And so I must be too.

I am what I am and it feels good to be me

And it feels even better to know

That you accept me as I am.

Thank you... for being my mirror of truth

For that's all I needed for my awakening.

Conversations with the Lord

When difficulties arose, I asked
"Why me, Lord? I have been good."
And I heard Him say, "My child, be still.
Learn to trust and obey my will."


When He beckoned me to follow Him, I asked,
"Why me, Lord? I am not worthy. I am sinful,
I am weak. Choose someone else."
But He said , "I chose you and in my eyes, you are wonderful."


When the going got rough, I appealed to Him,
"Enough, Lord. I can take no more."
"Daughter," He encouraged me, "I will never let you
be tested beyond what you can endure."


When my human limitations were evident, I said,
"Look, Lord, I keep on stumbling and making mistakes."
"Do not lose heart," He said, "My way is not easy.
Be steadfast in your faith, remain in me."


“Lord, I finally asked. “Why are you so good to me
despite my failures and iniquities?”
And He replied, “Beloved daughter, do you not see?
My love for you is unconditional and it will always be.”


"I am deeply sorry, Lord, for the times when I doubt.
I now humbly entrust myself to you, what it is that you want?"
"I ask nothing," he answered, "but your openness and generosity.
Respond to my love, love others truly and fully."

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===============

written on February 01, 2004 during my Spiritual Exercises.

i'm with you

if you don't know

what's real anymore,

if fear has taken over,

just remember

the time

when i was

in the same

predicament

and all it took

was for me

to know

that you're with me

to allay my fears.

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==========

for you. i hate to see you in pain and if i can only bear your struggles for you, i will. gladly.

stuck

"move on."

my friends tell me

and i'd just smile --

a smile that just doesn't

reach my eyes

and i'd laugh

albeit hollowly

and in a voice ringing

with false conviction,

i'd even dare say,

"what for?

everything's so yesterday.

i am now over him."

but who am i fooling?

i'm stuck

in that place

where there's still an us

i'm helpless

so desperate that i refuse

to wake up

choosing to instead

be in a dream

than in an empty bed

with only my tears

for company.

it's not that

i don't want to move on

i do try

but something

seems to always

remind me of you --

little and big things

that the more i blot out,

the more they seem

to taunt me with their

presence.

much like your omnipresence.

i'm stuck

and a way out

is nowhere to be found

for even my own mind

and heart betray me.

what's worse

than not moving on?

it's being stuck here

left alone to fend for myself

and still loving the jerk

who's responsible

for all this mess.

==========

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haunted

i left

and was adamant

about not looking back

because remembering

is as painful

as leaving...

but the mind

is a powerful thing

for it remembers.

and i find it funny

that something

seems to always

bring me

back to you --

a song, a book,

a movie, a quote...

a place, a food, the rain...

even the littlest of things.

worse,

the things i used to like

now i see and feel

with pangs

of loneliness

gnawing at me.

what's with this endless

torture?

this mockery

of my desire

to forget you?

anything and everything

seems to remind me of you

and worst, even nothing

becomes you

for even in silence,

there still is

you.

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shades of gray

between our blacks and whites

are a dozen shades of gray

beneath our "truths"

are carefully concealed lies

for what or for whom exactly

i can only wonder...

i've lied, been lied to

to spare myself and yourself

from pain

hoping

fervently hoping

maybe even hopelessly

that shades of gray

will work for us...

half-truths

white lies

are they,

will they

ever be
justified?

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Lies

i listened

as your

carefully

rehearsed speech

became endless

ramblings

i heard the denials

and lame excuses

but was careful

to hide the dispassion

from showing

in my face

i stifled a smirk

when panic

laced your voice

and despair

brought you

over the edge

seeing me unaffected

you expertly

switched tactics

and started to say

you're sorry

while pleading

for another chance --

your nth chance...

suddenly,

i felt so tired

and hurt

and the more

you talked,

the longer

your speech went,

the colder

my heart

had become.

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heart talk

heart,

be still

be strong

never for once

doubt your resilience

never mind that

you've been fooled not once

but thrice

or have loved and lost

a couple of times

gather strength

from your memory

of picking up

your broken pieces

and enduring

the pain of having

each broken shard,

each jagged edge

and becoming stronger

because of them

remember

how you painstakingly

put together each piece

while learning to let go

look back on the time

when in the brink

of a breakdown,

you rallied admirably

and moved on

with rare grace...

never fear

to love again

or hold back

just because

love stung you

just stay strong

and continue loving

till it hurts

no more.

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I Thank God For You

Whenever I think of God's blessings to me

You are always one of those who are on top of my list
For you are one of God's precious gifts to me
True friends are rare and hard to find
Thus, I feel so richly blessed that I have you
And so whenever you cross my mind
Which happens not only often but very often
I thank God profusely for He has given me
The gift of a true friend in you
I know I cannot thank Him enough
For you are too precious that words fail
To give justice to my gratitude
So I will stop here
And let my thanks transcend beyond this post
And the words written in here
May you feel my gratitude for and to you
In my personal correspondence with you
Know that whenever I give thanks to God,
I also think of and thank Him for you.

of love. of me.

loving me
may entail
more pain

than a fragile heart 

can ever hold

it's not that i purposefully

or knowingly inflict pain

it's just that 

love sometimes hurts

even when we do our best

to make things work

it's not that i'm unlovable

it's just that i make the process

as challenging but ultimately

just as rewarding as i can make it

and not everyone 

is up to these challenges

it's not that i don't want

to commit myself to someone

it's just that it takes a lot

and a long time for me

to admit someone into my life

and this admission

is not even a guarantee

that i will love him back

it's not that i'm afraid

of getting hurt

it's that i don't want

to cause pain to anyone

it's not that i'm in a rush

it's just that i want

the right time, 

the right reason

and the right person

to fall in love with

it's not that i think

i'm unworthy 

of someone's love

it's just that 

i know my worth

that i won't settle 

for anyone 

less than what i deserve

it's not that love is ideal

my view of it is

it's not love, see

it's me.

A Friendship Beyond Time and Distance

When was the last time we saw each other?

I cannot remember the exact date.

How many miles are you away from me?

I do not know.

Mountains and oceans and seas

And numerous countries are between us

But they do not matter because we know we are friends

And that is all we need to know

To continue caring for each other.

True friendship is that which is beyond time

Time does not cause a friendship’s downfall

But it does deepen it.

True friendship is also that which is beyond distance

We are apart, yes, but only physically

For in our minds and more so in our hearts

We keep each other and the memories that we have shared.

Our prayers go where the two of us cannot go

And so even if we cannot be together

We know that we reach each other through our prayers.

Hearts never cease to talk, they communicate for us

Time and distance are therefore not against us.

Come what may, my friend, I know our friendship stands

For it is not just a plain friendship that we share

But a true and endless one.

============

written in 2003 for a friend who went to Europe.

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For Bonita

Whenever I'm confused

And nothing seems right
Or everything is just
Too good to be true
I just turn to you
And the confusion and doubts
And those endless, nagging questions
Then become words of assurance and comfort
And wonderful feelings of empathy and hope.

Whenever the day seems
As dark as the night
You would just look into my eyes
And smile at me
And I would know right then
That everything will be all right.

Whenever I think I'm weak
And can not win over life's challenges
You would just pat my shoulder
And I would know right then
That I can go on and succeed
And that I am worth more
Than what I had thought.

I may not know
What lies ahead of me
But one thing I know of
Is the fact that with you around
I need not be afraid
For you are my guiding light
That spells of faith and hope and love
Life's a wonderful, meaningful journey
Because I journey through it
Alongside of you.

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inner turmoil

this isn't the way i want

our story to start -
with promising romance
and possible exquisite heartache
think positively?
am trying to...
but i can't help feeling
apprehensive
i just can't...
maybe this is the way i am -
cynical
tightly wrapped in an intense need
to protect myself from possible pains
that i end up holding back
trusting but still wary
caring so much
and loving sincerely
but doing my damnedest
to appear detached
which would eventually lead to
my pushing my loved ones away...
how ironic
that in my desire
to save myself from pains
i ultimately end up
being the inflictor
of my own hurts.






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God's Presence in You

I feel God in the friendship that we share

His joy echoes in our laughter

The warmth of His love is in your eyes

His compassion is reached out to us

Through your empathetic nature

And the ways with which you show your care

His wisdom reflects in your good counsel

Your openness mirrors His own

His generosity is in your selfless giving

And in the profound sharing of your self...

Friends are heaven-sent angels

The real-life ones who make life sweeter,

Our days brighter and our selves better

They mirror God and extend Him to others

Like the way you make Him more known to me

You give inspiration by being what you are -

A friend in Christ and the same friend

Who continuously makes my life more meaningful

Because of the personal touch you put in it.

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To Where You Are

take my hand and i will follow you

to wherever you will lead me

i know not where we are going but you do

for all is known to you alone

despite the uncertainties, i fear nothing

because just to be with you is enough

for my heart and soul to be at peace

in you i take refuge

you are my joy, the life of my living

my lord, take me to where you are

to wherever you will be

you are the lord of my history and life

you have called me to follow you

i am yours, i love you

i entrust to you my entire being

all that i was, all that i am and all that i will be

my lord, take me to where you are

i yearn to be with you all the days of my life

i know it is not easy to follow you

but i also know that you will take care of me

every step of the way

by giving me the graces i need

to carry everything out

you are in me and i am in you

wherever you go, i go too

whatever you face, i also face

you and i are one

my lord and my god,

take me to where you are

for to where you are is home.

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burning (love) letters

i watched as tongues of flame

licked the papers that held

your thoughts of

and feelings for me

or whatever remained of them

i stared, mesmerized

by the slithering fire

snaking its way

over a handful of letters

scorching what had been

(un)dying professions of love

i listened

as the very same fire

cackled and roared

while its light flickered

over my face

i watched it dance

as the wind

fanned its flames

gradually reducing everything

to embers

leaving me

only with its heat

to thaw

the coldness within.

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your words

a game of words
played eloquently…
words of utmost caring
professed lovingly.

but did you really mean them?

you knew what made me tick.
prose. poems.
anything literary…
so you dished them out
lavishly and creatively.

words have always been
my strength.
i thrive on them.
breathe them…

but words are my weakness too…

that when you armed yourself with them,
i was helpless.

and so i succumbed
to the power of your words.

to you.

your words
elevated me
to the most blissful of joys,
they touchingly spell out
your love.

but words could turn sour
and yours did
the moment you hurled
words of accusations and excuses at me.

your words hurt.

you tried to make amends
by again arming yourself
with sweet,
maybe even carefully rehearsed
words.

but i grew deaf to them.

so i said the only word
that could save me
from you.

“goodbye.”

in your coming’s wake
are words strewn here and there
the words that used to inspire me,
the words i thrived on and breathed
are now just mere words
spoken but unmeant.

such hurtful words.

i now regret
savoring your words
for now i am left
only with
a bitter aftertaste of them
in my mouth.

warlock(ed)

i thought it is witches

who cast spells

what have you done to me then?

you got me

with your looks...

but you snared my heart

with your attitude.

what's on your mind?

tell me.

are you reading my mind now?

thoughts of you...

pieces of you...

all commune with the part of me

that's confused.

validate my existence

will you please?

make me believe again

in something good...

never mind

that it involves

the deep, dark side

of human nature.

break not this spell

i'm in.

break

the uncertainty in me.

just break

not

my heart.