Another Turning Point (that is, if I Say Yes)

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"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.  I hope you had the time of your life…"

So goes a song from Greenday. And as I listen to it, I wonder about how some things unpredictable have worked out in my life.

I'm a planner.  And an OC (obsessive-compulsive) one at that especially when it's my life that we're talking about.  More than my being a planner though is my being goal-oriented.  When I set myself to something, I must achieve this something no matter what.

When I was small, people asked me where I wanted to study and without batting an eyelash, I would confidently reply, "in UP."  Fast forward to six years and I had just become a freshman in State U.

My life plan also listed that by age twenty-eight, I should be a manager already and this too happened even earlier than planned as I was just twenty-five when I achieved my current position.

So single-minded I am that I almost always have just one option.  I refrain from having fallback plans just so I will do everything to make One-and-Only Plan A to happen and work for me.

But there are times when no matter my best efforts, things just don’t work out as planned.  Some of these things too do not even get dealt to me as life has given me a different set of cards than what I would have wanted.

I did not plan on getting a degree in Tourism and yet, I did.  I planned of working, even settling abroad by the time I was twenty-six and yet at twenty-eight, I am still here in my home country.

The above are just two of the most unpredictable things that happened to me but as that Greenday song said, these turned out to be for the best as my college degree enabled me to be in my current industry, which I love and my current company turned out to be my niche that a mere two years after being here, I gave up all plans of going abroad.

As I remember the above, I am also thinking of something unpredictable that happened to me yesterday that kept me awake until the wee hours of the morning.  As almost all things unpredictable are, this something entails me moving out of my comfort zones and confronting the unknown.  It requires a huge risk - something that I only calculatingly take.    

At this point, I still don't know if I am going to accept the offer as it's not included in my plans.  It's actually shaking my already very well-laid plans to the core that I'm now left looking at the loops and ends trying to see where it fits. 

And as I mentally map moving these pieces into what I hope are their rightful places, I realize that it is not the life pieces I have that matter.  It is what I do with them.

Ironic

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My friend: I'm listening to Ironic by Alanis. Isn't it ironic to find the man of your dreams then later meet his beautiful wife?

Milai: Nah, the irony there is meeting the man of your dreams. (laughs)

The above exchange made me do a double take. Have I gotten too cynical beyond redemption?

There is no denying that I am romantic to the core.  You see, I began reading romance novels at an early age.  While most children read fairytales and picture books, I, much to my mom's dismay, took delight in reading Mills and Boon and Harlequin novels starting at age eight.  I also loved reading the works of Barbara Cartland.  At age ten, I was into Danielle Steel and at twelve, was into novels by Judith McNaught, Johanna Lindsey and Jude Deveraux.  Reading about their heroines ending up with the man of their dreams sure made me think about my own happy ending.

Ten years after, my view on love, or rather, on men, soured due to the fact that some of my friends and acquaintances became victims of their infidelity or were in an abusive relationship.  There were some too who fell in love with men who were difficult to love in the first place.  And some who were with men who could not find it in themselves to commit to a relationship or marriage.

With the above, and also because I experienced heartbreaks and heartaches firsthand, I became very wary of love.  Or rather, of men.

A friend in college said not just once that those like us who grew up reading romance novels would have a difficult time finding the "man of our dreams" basically because we already have our ideals on who or what we want in and from them.  "Admit it, unconsciously, you have the tendency to compare a suitor to that dashing, romantic duke from the Victorian era in historical romance novels or to that confident, urbane, a little difficult but loving man you read about in your contemporary novels."  And we laughed because it was partly true.  Matthew Allen Parker from McNaught's Paradise, where are you?  Ha ha!

Then there's this Linda Howard novel I read where they joked about Mr. Perfect being "science fiction."  Ha!  I just had to laugh on that one.

When I was home in Aklan last January, a relative, knowing I am already twenty-seven and most of my batchmates were already married, joked, "So when is the grand walk down the aisle?"  I laughed and replied that I am even yet to find THAT  man I will walk down the aisle with.  Polite queries followed, with most of them asking all the hows and whys that they could think of regarding my being uncommitted and all later coming to a concession that I am just being choosy.  Ooooooo-kay.  Whatever.

Is there anything wrong with being single, especially when it is someone's personal choice and she's happy being such, as I said so in a previous post?  Is there anything wrong with having standards for THE man a woman wants to marry?  I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect because we all know that perfection in anyone or anything does not exist.  But I do have standards for the man of my dreams.  And on this I refuse to compromise.  Why?  Because we are all entitled to choose who we want to spend the rest of our lives with.  And mine is to be with a man who is like Daddy.  Oh, he isn't perfect.  He sometimes drinks and used to smoke and he is scary when he gets mad but he's faithful to my mom and wonderful to us.

You may have noticed I wrote "on love or rather, on men" twice in this post.  I want to emphasize this because men (and of course, women), may become unfaithful or jealous or insincere but love is not and never will be.  It is and will always be the same kind of wondrous, saving love that it is made to be.  Anything less than that is not true and lasting love - the reason why most relationships don't last these days and why some marriages crumble.

I want to end this post by addressing my cynicism.  Yes, I admit to having gotten jaded over the years but there's still that part of me who sees the world through rose-tinted glasses.  Who still believes in the wonders of love and in God's perfect timing for everything.

True love waits.

Save me I’m hanging...

Most people would say “Catch me I’m falling” but I’m not most people so I said, “Save me I’m hanging...”

I was eight. Being the hyperactive child that I was, some of my time was spent scaling trees and picking fruits or just sitting in my favorite branch, reading a book as I relished the feel of the breeze on my face. One day, I slipped and found myself hanging on a branch, clinging on to it for dear life. The minutes I spent there seemed like years. The pain was excruciating. The longer I held on, the heavier I seemed to be and the more difficult and painful it became. I did try to pull myself up but I could not. And that’s when I thought of letting go...

Off I fell. And oh, what freedom I felt as I hit the ground. It was painful, yes, but it was a wonderful feeling - to fall, to allow myself to let go of the branch and be spared from the pain of holding on unto something that was obviously futile.

Twelve years later, I fell in love. The song “Fallin” kept playing inside my head.

Help me I’m fallin’

Fallin’ fast again

Why do I always take a fall

When I fall in love

But catch me he did not. I did try to hold on to the love I had. I thought it would be enough. That I’d be content. I was wrong of course for love is a two-way traffic thing...

And unrequited love is rapture and agony in one overwhelming package.

It was when the pain became unbearable that I remembered the time I was hanging by that tree.

It’s just that I recall

Back when I was small

Someone promised that they’d catch me

And then they let me fall

The pain was incomparable for then, it was only physical pain. Love’s sting was more vicious. It gnawed at the very void in me – wanting to be filled but remained empty.

I had to escape. No savior would deliver me from the predicament that I was in. I only had myself. Just myself.

And so I saved my hurting self...

By letting go.

My Guardian Angel

When I see your smile,

Tears run down on my face.

I can't replace.

And now that I'm stronger,

I have figured out,

How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.

And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one.

I will never let you fall.

I'll stand up with you forever.

I'll be there for you through it all.

Even if saving you sends me to heaven...

The first time I heard this song a few months back, I was struck at how poignant the lyrics are. Then I remembered you.

I used to think that you are my guardian angel. That is, until I fell in love with you.

I remember you saying, "I'll never let you fall" but now I am thinking that you should have added IN LOVE WITH ME on it.

You were too nice. Too much of a gentleman. Too perfect for me that even if I did my damnedest to not fall for you, I did. You weren't hard to love, you know...

And now I hit rock bottom. In fairness to you, you were there to cushion my fall but only as a friend. You were my angel, right? And I was your ward. And that is all there is.

How could you not notice? Worse, how could you not feel it? How could you ask me how I was doing and then when I tell you that I had been nursing a broken heart you would go to my defense saying I only had to tell you who the guy is and you would beat the lights out of him?

If you only knew, you would be beating yourself black and blue.

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Song Title: My Guardian Angel

My Sweetest Downfall, My Favorite Mistake

"If this is going to be a mistake, let's make it my best one yet."

I remember saying that to you the moment we committed ourselves to each other. Call me a pessimist but my reason for saying that was not totally unfounded. You see, I knew I was setting myself up for trouble the first time I met you.

You were a man of this world - successful, intelligent, had a good sense of humor, confident, smart and oh so very charming. You were not a sore to the eyes either which was quite a bonus. You were six years my senior too (well, I usually get attracted to older, mature men as they are more sensible and secure than guys my age) which made you all the more appealing.

I may be young but I was told countless of times that I was smart too. It's just sad that being smart was not a guarantee for shielding ourselves from heartbreaks. Like many before me, I was smart but foolish of heart.

I should have listened to the alarm bells that kept on ringing since you came into my life but I was so into the "Age doesn't matter," "All is fair in love...," and "Love conquers all" crap that I probably wouldn't hear those alarm bells even if they clang all too loudly or if someone would thump them in my head. I was THAT in love (or should I say INsane?!). Ugh! But have someone tell either trite cliche to me now and if I can't hide my grimace, I will probably burst out laughing. Deception does come in all appearances and happens in many forms. So does heartache.

Hmm... I am stalling. Again. Like I always do whenever I remember our beginning... as if rehashing that moment will make the ending any different...

Let's go back to you and continue our (yes, there was once an US and an OUR) story... Do you remember how you just laughed my let's-make-this-my-best-mistake-yet comment off? And how you tenderly embraced me as you soothed me? You even said, "You worry too much, baby." This is not a mistake. No, I won't let it be..." I just smiled and hoped it were true.

Of course, we both knew three months thereafter that I was right for the dashing, charming prince suddenly sported horns with a tail to boot. You became controlling, possessive and even obsessed. In many instances, I tried to justify your behavior and even made excuses for you. I told and convinced myself that you just loved me so much...

The last straw came when you very nearly struck me. Horrified, that's when I woke up and smelled the coffee. I loved you. Love you still but I love myself more. No self-respecting woman should allow herself to be inflicted with any harm. No one, man or woman, deserves to be treated harshly for whatever reason or purpose.

You were my sweetest downfall. The person who managed to get past my defenses and whom I allowed to see glimpses of the vulnerable me. You were my favorite mistake too. Oh just how many times had I played stupid for you? I knew some things were wrong and yet for so long, I refused to see reason (the very thing that I get complimented on and envied about) and allowed a vicious cycle of emotional turmoil. For you, I shed the bitterest of tears but it is for you too that I learned to be brave.

Thank you because you were my sweetest downfall but my most triumphant comeback as well. You taught me that stumbling down does not make me a loser but staying down does. For you I stood up. Taller than ever.

Your love brought me to my lowest and weakest moments but because of it, I learned to pull myself together and bounce back higher. Your breaking my heart made me stronger. Wiser. And definitely more "stupid-proof."

Thank you because you were my favorite mistake but my greatest lesson in love as well.

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inspired by the song title, "My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow and the first line in "Samson" by Regina Spektor.

Big Girls Do Cry

... I hope you know, I hope you know

That this has nothing to do with you

It's personal, Myself and I

We've got some straightenin' out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I've got to get a move on with my life

Its time to be a big girl now

And big girls don't cry

Don't cry

Don't cry

Don't cry... 

So goes the chorus of Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. But she's wrong. Big girls do cry. Harder. And for deeper and more painful reasons.

Little girls cry over petty and childish quarrels with playmates. Over not having a new toy or scraping their knees with their being hyperactive. Little girls cry when they are having tantrums... Over simple and sometimes fussy and nonsense things but even if they cry easily, they also get pacified quickly. Candies and sweets can bring back the smiles. A hug from loved ones while they are whispering soothing words can stop the tears from streaming over little girls' faces...

But gone were those little girl days...

"It's time to be a big girl now," a line from that song says. And oh how hard it is to be a big girl. And when trying and difficult times come, no matter how much big girls try to quell the tears, to be strong and show to the world how independent and self-sustained they are, there will be some times when the tears will come. And come will they - with these big girls' crying ranging from sniffles to wracking sobs and wails...

Big girls do cry. Over failures. Over lost loves. Big girls cry because they have been hurt or betrayed by people they care about. Tears flow because of losing or missing a loved one, of feelings of loneliness and bitterness. Big girls cry over sad and painful memories, over things that even time sometimes has difficulty healing. They cry because of frustration or rage, even because of poignant songs, stories or movies that strike a chord in their hearts. Big girls may even cry when overwhelmed with happiness.

Crying is not a sign of weakness, of being childish or of being a girl, woman or lady. It does not connote femininity. Life is not entirely a bed of roses, the weather not always sunny...

So go on, let the tears flow freely. Cry until you've exhausted all the pent-up longings, the unspoken fears, the loneliness and pain that are bottled up inside. Afterwards, smile and say, "My moment with sadness is over. I may not be totally all right yet but my path to healing has started."

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reprinted from my Friendster blog dated June 22, 2007

There is Nobility in Goodbyes

Sometimes, the best way to prove our love is to let our loved one go. I did that for you but you were so caught up in feelings of hatred to realize that.

Sometimes too, things are better left unexplained. Words unsaid are sometimes kinder. What we don't know can't hurt us, right?

"It is just so easy for you to let go," you accused bitterly. I looked away for fear of what you will see in my eyes . I remained silent because my throat was too constricted from trying not to cry. Silence was my only comfort, a warm cocoon that protects me from betraying myself.

Frustrated, you hollered, "So this is it? This is goodbye?" 

Goodbye. Just one word. A two syllable word and yet it was too difficult for me to say it. But for you, I gathered all my courage and muttered with false conviction. "Yes. A goodbye."

Your lips thinned. Your usual reaction when you are displeased, angry or frustrated. Then you looked away, let go of my hand and walked out on me. You did not even bother to look back. If you did, you would have seen me with tears streaming down my face.

Through my tears, I watched as my world shattered right before my very eyes. I smiled. Bitterly.

This was what I wanted. I knew I was doing this for the best. I just did not know that it would hurt this much.

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inspired by the lyrics of this song:

I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble 

Though I try to hide it it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near... 

- Macy Gray

Song Title: I Try

Artist: Macy Gray

Lyrics: http://www.completealbumlyrics.com/lyric/2775/Macy+Gray+-+I+Try.html

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsTk2xp0nvY

That Night

Song: Here's to the Night
Artist: Eve 6

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon...

That night, the night started young. Everything did but if I only knew that it would have ended too soon, I would have photographed everything with my mind.

Isn't it amusing that just when I felt "alive" in your presence, you'd leave? And that just when we tried to make the most of our time together, chasing it and running against it will only make the clock's hands tick faster?

I hated that you couldn't stay. That I knew I'd be shedding tears when you'd leave and yet I allowed myself the luxury of getting close to you...

That night had long been over. And tonight I just heard the same song. I couldn't help but just smile. Smile but know that the very time that we raced against would not also turn back its hands to bring us together. And so I just closed my eyes and and let that night come alive even through the broken fragments of my memory...

Yes, that night - the night when I had a glimpse of heaven only for it to be taken too soon.

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Note that I am well aware that the song is about a one night stand and lest you assume that I am writing about that, I am not.