Gratuitous Love

"Message memory full," so my cellphone warned me. I immediately went to my Saved Messages folder, looking for messages to discard. What I found were messages dating back to 2004. I also found a message that struck a chord in me, sent by a friend a couple of years back. It read,

"We need to thank God if we learn to love gratuitously. It's purely a grace and a gift. It's the highest form of love that we can offer to persons. You have this gift... Be grateful to God... That's why you're special. I thank you for being you... really :)"

Whoa. Why can't I find the same capacity to love in me now? Have I grown too cynical and jaded? Why can't I just love without expecting to be loved back in the same manner, same intensity, same degree, same everything? That used to work just fine for me that is why my friend sent me that personalized message.

Have I turned cold and calculating? Loving only when there is a guarantee of being loved back? Taking only calculated risks? And bolting out the door the moment I get scared that love is asking too much from me?

My friend said it is purely a grace and a gift. Maybe I am now loving humanely. Human love gets tired. Fed up. It has the tendency to give up when the heart becomes too bruised and hurt to love. Human love can get selfish. It has the capacity for jealousy. And revenge. It can shut people out, make itself go numb...

I may have the gift of loving people gratuitously but I am human too. And therein lies my difficulty because gratuitous love hurts. So much.

And I don't want to be hurt that much ever again.