How come we always put restrictions on other people simply because these restrictions have been somehow imposed on ourselves? We very well know that we have no right. And yet, we keep on expecting people to be like us, to do exactly the same things we do. We keep on hoping they would change for us, to live their lives like we do ours. Or at least try to.
When I was in college, I had a friend who was my sounding board. Almost every week, I would see her and tell her my frustrations - about how a groupmate could not be depended on because her research always came out sloppy... About how I got mad at another friend because she was late and the always punctual me waited for a long time... I would nag this sounding-board friend about how most people could not understand me. And I too could not understand them. I would wonder how they could allow themselves to be careless. Or to not choose to be reliable and dependable... how they could allow mediocrity to rule their lives thus leaving people like me no choice but to make up for their ineptness.
One day, after an especially frustrating day for me, my friend gave me the answer to all my questions. And more. She simply said, "Because they are not you, Lai."
Struck, I just stared at my friend. "I am not going to say anything anymore," she said. "Just ponder on those words."
Later, alone in the confines of my room, I got my pen and my journal. I wanted to write. I badly needed to write. I needed answers. But nothing came to mind. And my friend's words kept playing inside my head.
Because they are not you... Because they are not you... Because they are not you... because they are not you...
I knew I wasn't confused. I knew exactly what my friend meant. I was just in denial - for so long a time. Pondering on her words, something I read once also came back to mind. "Great athletes make lousy coaches."
Admittedly, I had it easy all my life. I remember acing quizzes and exams even when I did not study hard. I excelled in almost anything. I was what they say the perennial achiever. Having shown such abilities, I thus lived a life of expectations. I grew up with an acute sense of people always expecting me to succeed in any endeavor I take... And I imposed the same expectations on people I came across with.
I would think: If I can be on time, why can't she be? If I can make my research or papers detailed, how come hers are not? Why can't they be as meticulous? How come I am always the one who is expected to do this and that?
The answer? It's all on the I. The Me. And the mine... I am me. And s/he is the person that s/he is.
And in some endeavors, it is me who does the work because I can. And s/he cannot.
Can I sing well? I cannot. Can I solve complicated Math problems? I cannot. Can I dance or act or paint? I cannot. And the list goes on and on...
Each one has his or her level. Thus I should not make them perform on my level. Each one has his and her own personality. And I have mine. And this personality makes us who we are. It defines our differences. And it is these differences that make us unique from others.
Admittedly, I had it easy all my life. I remember acing quizzes and exams even when I did not study hard. I excelled in almost anything. I was what they say the perennial achiever. Having shown such abilities, I thus lived a life of expectations. I grew up with an acute sense of people always expecting me to succeed in any endeavor I take... And I imposed the same expectations on people I came across with.
I would think: If I can be on time, why can't she be? If I can make my research or papers detailed, how come hers are not? Why can't they be as meticulous? How come I am always the one who is expected to do this and that?
The answer? It's all on the I. The Me. And the mine... I am me. And s/he is the person that s/he is.
And in some endeavors, it is me who does the work because I can. And s/he cannot.
Can I sing well? I cannot. Can I solve complicated Math problems? I cannot. Can I dance or act or paint? I cannot. And the list goes on and on...
Each one has his or her level. Thus I should not make them perform on my level. Each one has his and her own personality. And I have mine. And this personality makes us who we are. It defines our differences. And it is these differences that make us unique from others.
Lastly, each person is his and her own self. Thus I have no right to change a person just as no one has the right to make me conform to the person that they want or expect me to be.
And so, just as I yearn for people to let me be, I give them the same freedom to be themselves.
3 comments:
That's a great post...very thoughtful and insightful.
Far too often we forget that we all see this world through our own eyes and with our own perceptions. As a result, we try to impose our own perceptions on other people...and things don't always jive.
Since I've become a parent, I've seen this a lot...my kids don't see things the same way I do and I feel like I'm always forcing my will on them. But sometimes I step back and realize that this is a different generation...a different world from when I was their age, and that perhaps some things need to change.
As a parent, I'm within my right to impose my will on my kids, but I still need to temper that with wise judgment to acknowledge that my way isn't always the only way or the best way.
When dealing with other people, I see the same thing a lot...especially at work. One or two people will get an idea stuck in their head about how things should be and they'll run with it without really thinking about other possibilities or another side to things. If they do ask for input, it's often just so they can say they "explored their options" even though they have no desire to change their plans.
I think if we all took a truly honest look at "the other side" of any confrontation (no matter how big or small) and made changes/compromises/etc, the world would be a happier place...and we'd also likely see greater progress in so many things.
Thank you for the very insightful comment. It made me think of how my parents brought me up... of how they themselves have tried to inflict their own wills on me and my siblings... and how they have triumphed in curbing this will so they can let us be.
Reading through your post, any child would be proud to have you as his father. :)
Yes we can be very stubborn sometimes. And want others to do what we tell them. But it is not right. Great blog.
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