Calculated Love

the first time

we met

i bet

you're easy to love

but hard

to get over.

and i wasn't wrong.

for now i am

on the verge

of falling...

and this makes me
scared.

but the fear

only makes me

braver.

so i take

the plunge

and allow myself

to fall.

but still

with extreme

caution.

after all

i only take

calculated risks.

just don't

let me

fall too deeply

while you

try to play

it cool.

otherwise

i'll break

my own fall

and start

the process

of moving on.

and it will be

over

before

it even

began.

Unstill

The stillness of the night beckons to me. I don't know but there has always been something about the dead of the night that appeals to me. Maybe it's because there is a certain surge of power in knowing that while the world is resting, I am the solitary moving figure unclaimed by sleep's spell.

I also love being alone with my thoughts and most of my thought-provoking questions and answers come at night, sometimes unbidden. It is as if it is at this time that I am at my most aware, vulnerable even. Some thoughts sometimes scare me. Other times they bring elation. Still at times they veer crazily to hilarity. Or insanity.

The night is quiet and it is in this silence that my heart and mind find their refuge. In the serenity of the night is the blanket that warms and soothes me as I lie awake.

Sometimes too, I wear the darkness of the night as my cloak and prowl the streets. The wind will whip my hair and the breeze will gently caress my face. And a myriad of thoughts will still come of course.

The night is still but I am not.

Standpoint

I believe in the beauty of all creation
In the goodness in each person
And in the wonders and mysteries of life and of living
I believe in lasting friendship
In love and in bonds
That tie hearts together
I believe in differences and contrasts
But I also believe that empathy and understanding
Bridge differences and that contrasts
Often complement two opposite individuals
I believe in sunshine after the rain
In lessons learned after moments of sorrow and pain
And in joy felt
Even in suffering and in sacrificing
I believe in the magic of believing
In the power of hoping and in cherishing dreams
And in striving to reach those dreams
I believe in God and in His greatness
In His goodness and in His constant love
I believe in His presence
For I see and feel Him working in you
And I believe He is looking after me
When He gave me the precious gift
Of a wonderful friend in you.

The Best Thing about Being in Pain

I sat by myself in our apartment’s balcony and stared at the vast city skyline. The night sky was blanketed with stars, the city aglow with lights from towering buildings. Quite a sight to behold, really, if only I didn’t feel like crying…

I held myself in check and forced the tears back in. I tried to focus – stared at the sky, willed myself to look for a constellation or anything of interest to no avail. I was staring but unseeing… Unseeing but still feeling… At this time of the night, everything seemed quiet and at peace. Everything but my heart… I shivered but not from the cold. I shivered from the emptiness within.

Loss had always been a painful experience but if there were successive losses, the pain could become too much. It could get unbearable even for a strong person like me. If those successive losses too happened at even frequent intervals, then that unbearable pain either became consuming or transcendent. And the former was happening to me now, no matter how fervently I wished for the pain to teach me to tolerate it more so I could exceed my normal pain threshold and in the process, move on.

Sometimes, I just wished I would go numb but no matter how much I tried, the pain just wouldn’t go away. There were times too when I wished that it’s not the pain but you who would go away. You whom I thought were different from them. How ironic that I lost you but the love that I so wanted to lose remained in me, festering like some wound that refused to heal. I was being haunted by the memories that I wanted to get away from, tortured by the very reason for my happiness not quite long ago.

I could really go on ranting and raving and getting all vexed about this whole pain thing but you know what, just looking up at the dark sky, with clouds sometimes obscuring my view of the stars and even the moon, I just realized that life’s pretty much the same – it could get dark and gloomy but there would always be something to brighten it. I just needed to see beyond the hindrance. The night sky had its stars and the moon, with the moon giving the brightest luminescence but even the smallest star could give some illumination, right?

I may have felt kind of hopeless and empty but the fact that I was feeling and hurting meant that I cared. And you know what’s best? It’s the fact that the best thing about being in pain was my not being dead. I lived and I’d go on fighting. I would definitely survive this like I survived my past losses.

There’s a flicker of hope in me. Just a tiny flicker, like a tiny star in the vast city skyline, but a flicker nonetheless…

I had been holding on to this pain, holding it in for so long that it had somehow consumed me. Now I knew better…

And so I let go and let this pain transcend.




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written on October 2007

This time, it really is the good kind of bye...

Goodbye is not everything. You will just be going somewhere but for always, you will be in me and I will be in you.

Life goes on. It has always been what it all was. Life is about people coming into and going out of our lives and this truth will always stand.

Goodbye has never been easy but is inevitable. But why should I be sad just because you are leaving? Only your physical self will go. In my mind and more so in my heart, you stay. The many memories we've shared will definitely linger. And treasured of course.

You taught me so much. I am thankful to God for the moments that He let us share the gift of ourselves with each other. You have touched my life in many ways. It is now time for you to touch other people's lives in the place where your new journey begins.

In letting go is strength. In moving on is God's grace. Detachment is not to deny but to give life. Not to disintegrate with others but to be one with one's self and be a part of the different wholes we belong to. Not to refuse love but to love truly and fully.

I am saying goodbye but only temporarily. Our paths had once intersected. I eagerly await the time when our paths will again meet.

The horizon is filled with smiles. Life has its many twists and turns. I will be waiting for you at the next bend.

Till we meet again and until we do, I entrust you to our good Lord's keeping.


===============
For you. You know who you are... And believe me, now I know what you mean by "sweet tears."