Gratuitous Love

"Message memory full," so my cellphone warned me. I immediately went to my Saved Messages folder, looking for messages to discard. What I found were messages dating back to 2004. I also found a message that struck a chord in me, sent by a friend a couple of years back. It read,

"We need to thank God if we learn to love gratuitously. It's purely a grace and a gift. It's the highest form of love that we can offer to persons. You have this gift... Be grateful to God... That's why you're special. I thank you for being you... really :)"

Whoa. Why can't I find the same capacity to love in me now? Have I grown too cynical and jaded? Why can't I just love without expecting to be loved back in the same manner, same intensity, same degree, same everything? That used to work just fine for me that is why my friend sent me that personalized message.

Have I turned cold and calculating? Loving only when there is a guarantee of being loved back? Taking only calculated risks? And bolting out the door the moment I get scared that love is asking too much from me?

My friend said it is purely a grace and a gift. Maybe I am now loving humanely. Human love gets tired. Fed up. It has the tendency to give up when the heart becomes too bruised and hurt to love. Human love can get selfish. It has the capacity for jealousy. And revenge. It can shut people out, make itself go numb...

I may have the gift of loving people gratuitously but I am human too. And therein lies my difficulty because gratuitous love hurts. So much.

And I don't want to be hurt that much ever again.

When Loving Becomes Tiring

There are times when I find it too tiring to love. I get sick of understanding, of making allowances, even excuses for the one I love. Is that selfless or stupid loving?

Do people deserve second chances? How come we sometimes resolve to giving a loved one third, fourth, fifth and for some, heaven forbid that this will happen to me, nth chances?

Unconditional love, they say. "Phooey!" I say. Yes, that's a scoff you're hearing. Why? Because I am yet to find that.

Is anyone, anyone human, I mean, capable of such? I believe that capacity belongs to God and God alone because He is God and we aren't.

Don't we have expectations from our loved one? Don't we sometimes put restrictions on them? Don't people sometimes demand for something from someone?

Love is a two-way traffic and the moment the loving, the understanding and the giving become one sided, it becomes burdensome.

Love fails to be unconditional for that simple reason - it has the condition of reciprocity. For a relationship to work, there has to be mutual respect and trust. It is a partnership where both must work with and for each other. Both must learn how to compromise, to meet each other halfway without breaking, without losing either party's identity or principles.

luna

i.
pitch black sky
almost starless
cold wind
seeping
even to the bones
chilling
taunting
casting shadows
of loneliness and pain
over one
forsaken being
staring up the sky
yet unseeing
lost in jumbled thoughts
and amidst
life's chaos.


ii.
a moon
gradually emerging
through the clouds
gently bringing forth
its light
over one forsaken being
rousing her
from a concocted
and self-made
world of drudgeries
and of her
being forsaken.


iii.
she was, is and never
will be alone
nor forsaken
for God is always
looking after her
and there are
God-sent people
in her life
who love her
as she is
the very same people
who also
believe in her.


iv.
relief, joy and hope
sweet and tantalizing
sweep over her
the world is good
life is good
everything is good
including her.


v.
i am that being
and you are that moon
of beauty
of hope
and of my life.


vi.
thank you...
for illuminating my life
throughout those dark
and trying times.


vii.
thank you.

===============
written during my teen years, maybe when I was 15 to 17.

When being rich is not an excuse or a right…

The phone call was terrible, jarring me from my pleasant thoughts of going home in less than an hour. Before the call, I so looked forward to going home. Now, I so looked forward to ending it. Or to strangling the person on the other end of the line. Thankfully, the call ended. But the annoyance remained in me and what transpired got me thinking…

He was just impossible. And horrible. And damned unreasonable. I hate that kind of person – he who flaunts his money, clout and power, who thinks he owns the world and anyone in it just because he is rich.

Being rich is not an excuse to be rude. Indeed, all the luxuries and privileges in this world would not entitle one to decency and breeding.

Being rich does not entail anyone the right to be nasty, demeaning and arrogant. Yes, we did a mistake (a slight one at that) with his hotel reservations but having him all worked up and breathing down our necks with as much anger and sarcasm as he could muster was unnecessary. So was the SOB curse that he directed to my colleague.

That’s what really made me angry. The curse. And the fact that no apologies would suffice, not one among the many logical reasons and explanations was acceptable to him. It was crazy! Reasoning with him was futile and draining - emotionally, mentally and physically, because it was like reasoning with a two-year old, if not with a demented person. At least, a two-year old child would be nice.

In my three years in the business, I especially hate hearing this line, said with dripping pompousness, “Do you know who I am?” Hearing this question makes me see red that sometimes, I am tempted to answer, “No, sir. Because you are not as famous as you think you are and your clout does not reach this far.” But of course, being the customer-oriented person that I am (or maybe, I am just nice), I would simply sweetly say no. Good thing Mr. Rich Guy did not make the mistake of saying those words or I would have forgotten being customer-oriented and nice.

I really don’t have anything against rich people. Some rich people are actually nice and it is just ironic that those who are really rich are the ones who are humble. The nouveau riche, meanwhile are the ones who are arrogant. They are the ones so obsessed with flaunting their newfound wealth, so vain in thinking that everyone knows them and they can make people do what they demand just because they have the money.

Being the arrogant and self-centered nouveau riche that he is, no wonder Mr. Rich Guy came out downright rude. Too bad we live in a sue-happy society or I would just gladly tell him to shut up and get lost.

Thus this blog. Just so I can let it all out.


===============
reprinted from my Friendster blog, dated July 17, 2007. Why? 'coz just this morning I had a phone call that is almost similar to what transpired last year. It's actually worse because the lady was very unreasonable and inexcusably rude even when it is not our fault but hers. And I am so pissed to even consider doing a different blog.

Letdown

You couldn't give
What you didn't have...
And I should have
Known better than to expect
That you would change.

Fervent hopes
Were what fueled me
Into believing...

Or was it just
Plain desperation?

Lies
Created the illusion
That things were working out
Just fine.

You were good at them
Were you not?
And I was an all too willing
Believer.

What a letdown.

Then I chose to see
And the illusion
Shattered right before
My very eyes
And reality could only get
More painful.

This time though
I'd be wiser
And braver
I'd gladly embrace the pain
And for my own sake
Would never let myself
Down again.

In my pain
Would come my healing.

You are God's Gift to Me

Who would have thought

That we would become friends

Who would have thought

That our differences would not

Set us apart from each other

But instead bind us

Closer than we could have imagined

And teach us that to love

Is to accept each other as each one is.

Who would have thought of all those

But God...

To have a friend is to be one

And you showed me what it is like

To be and to have a friend

Thus, whenever I think of you,

I thank God for His gift of you to me

Oh, how I cherish the thought

Of the time when He carefully

And lovingly planned the time

When our paths would cross

For that was the moment

When He thought of giving me

One of life's sweetest blessings -

YOU as my friend.