tableau

by the window pane
i stood
rigidly
and watched
through
the frosted glass.

if only my heart
could be as rigid
as my stance...
if only the cold
could freeze
it too...

i watched
silently
as your hand
came up
to caress
her hair
and even from far away
i could see
your expression
of naked,
vulnerable caring...
the same expression
further deepening
when she laughed
at something you just said
the lilting sound of it
carried
to where i was
by the frigid night air...

and i could feel
my bruised heart
breaking...
shattering into
a thousand pieces
its sound swallowed
by the stillness
of the night
as tears
glinted in my eyes
but remained unshed
my expression
as brittle
as the broken
fragments
of my heart.

how could someone
bring me so much joy
and pain
at the same time?

and how could i
have let myself
be held captive
by your smile,
your very being
when i knew
you were not
and never would be
mine?