Cemetery of Negativism

In Camp John Hay in Baguio where I recently went to, there is a cemetery unlike any other cemeteries in the world. It is called the cemetery of negativism.

History dates it back to the early 1980s when base commander John Hightower asked camp employees to think of the negative thoughts and attitudes that inhibit them from being productive and efficient at work then to symbolically bury them all there (http://www.cjhhotels.com/dev_facilities_landmark.htm)

Today being the end of the year 2007, I decided that it is just fitting to write about my own negative thoughts and attitudes and bury them as I say hello to a better, if not the best me for the Year 2008.

It’s funny that if I am to bury my negativisms, I should have to at least own a whole mountain and that’s saying just how many negative thoughts, feelings and attitudes I need to bury!

My pride comes first. I have such tons of pride. It is very hard for me to accept defeat, to admit that I am wrong and to say sorry. Confident about myself and aware of my place in the world (being a perennial achiever & a success in everything I do), I sometimes think too highly of myself and look down on others I perceive as weak, incompetent, unintelligent or not belonging to my cliché.

I am aware of my being a perfectionist and an obsessive-compulsive and no matter how I try to curb them so I won’t come out as very choosy and critical of others, they manage to surface at times. I get frustrated because people aren’t as meticulous as I am or as detailed. I get irritated that they allow themselves to be sloppy with what they do. At work, I have to be on top of things and do most jobs myself because I am afraid that the outcome won’t be the best if I myself won’t do it.

Another negative attribute of mine is my being stubborn. My mom even jokes that it is not just stubbornness but obstinacy. I have such a strong, very spirited personality. I do things my way and answer only to myself.

Too much, as is too little of something, is always bad. I am too independent. I am also too wary of people. It takes a lot and a long time before I accept and trust someone and this trust may not even be given completely. In the “less” department, I am less showy of my affections.

Moodiness also spells me. I have even been told to have alarming mood swings. One moment I am carefree and fun to be with the next I am withdrawn and quiet, keeping to myself. I am extremely sensitive too and impatient as well as impulsive.

My wit can be acerbic, my weapon when I am being candid and frank. My mind is sometimes too fast for others to catch up to but my tongue can even be quicker that it spews smart-ass replies even before I have totally analyzed my thoughts.

I can go on naming my other negative attributes and there are still many. I don’t deny them because they make part of the person that I am. It is my negative attributes that teach me that acceptance of them does not mean that I just let them be in me. Rather, it is that I be aware, as awareness is the first key to understanding them. Then I work on overcoming those negativisms to make myself a better person.

As the world ushers in a new year, I, like everybody else hope for the best. I know I have a lot to work on but I know that I am a creation under construction, constantly changing. For the better, that is.

That Night

Song: Here's to the Night
Artist: Eve 6

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon...

That night, the night started young. Everything did but if I only knew that it would have ended too soon, I would have photographed everything with my mind.

Isn't it amusing that just when I felt "alive" in your presence, you'd leave? And that just when we tried to make the most of our time together, chasing it and running against it will only make the clock's hands tick faster?

I hated that you couldn't stay. That I knew I'd be shedding tears when you'd leave and yet I allowed myself the luxury of getting close to you...

That night had long been over. And tonight I just heard the same song. I couldn't help but just smile. Smile but know that the very time that we raced against would not also turn back its hands to bring us together. And so I just closed my eyes and and let that night come alive even through the broken fragments of my memory...

Yes, that night - the night when I had a glimpse of heaven only for it to be taken too soon.

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Note that I am well aware that the song is about a one night stand and lest you assume that I am writing about that, I am not.

Severing Ties

I say goodbye.

I’m pretty much comfortable with myself now and with the decisions I made and am making. I know I have changed and I like myself better for this. I am not as trusting, or as open as I once was, nor as "needy" or as "clingy." I guess when one gets older, she gets somewhat jaded, the youthful idealism diminishes, and so does the futile search for perfection and complete order and control, and the once entirely rosy-colored world becomes a more bearable reality.

The events of my life didn’t leave me scarred for eternity. I became a better person because of them. There had been no anger at anyone or at myself, nor self-pity. Maybe acceptance also comes with being older. Or should OBEISANCE be the term?

"Totally free and spirited me no longer... and with no trace of defiance, I bowed humbly to a force stronger than I."

God Understands

Be still & don't despair

You are not alone

God is in you and He understands

All that you are going through

Seek Him in the silence of your heart

He is always there

Listen to and feel Him

Consoling & encouraging you

Life is sometimes not easy

Trying and painful times come our way

But always remember that He is with us

As we grow in our trials each day

Jesus himself had wept

And so He understands our pain

Offer your wounded self to Him

And your hurts will surely wane

Only God can lift a weary spirit up

And bring healing to a wounded soul

To a broken heart He gives His love

For it to again be whole.

shun the sun

i embrace the sunlight

only to feel colder

than i have ever been.

sun-kissed

bathed in sunlight,

ensconced in its warmth

but alone.

oh what a tragedy

that such a beauty

would be so empty.

Love Incarnate

We live in a world where crimes happen every day
People hurt each other and endless problems and worries
Beset us.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is just too much for me to bear
And all I wanted is for the world to stop
And for me to gracefully fade into oblivion
But when I think of you, the once dreary world
Automatically becomes bright and sunny
It becomes a world of love and beauty,
Of joy and hope.

I used to be cynical about love
For I believed it is only for those who are fools
I had too much pain and even rejections to last a lifetime
Thus, to believe in love then
Was like believing in something nonexistent
Something I could not grasp
Something intangible
And I didn't want that
For then, I believed only in what I see and have.

And so for years I stood my ground about love's nonexistence
Until you came along...
You taught me to love and I learned
And finally I believed.

I still get hurt and problems still beset me
But knowing that you are with me I can smile
I can even laugh at the world
For I know life is just making the most of me
And there are lessons to be learned
In each problem that I face
And I also know that there are people in my life
People like you
Who believe in me and love me
And guide me as I journey through life.

For everything that you are and for each kind word and deed
For all things so wonderful that no words can describe,
My heartfelt gratitude.

You are love incarnate.

I am melancholic

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

I created this blog just today and the first reactions that I have been getting from readers were, “Why name it melancholic? It sounds so dramatic!” I just smile because really, that is the point – to make this blog very much like my self.

Melancholic is one of the four temperaments (the three others being choleric, sanquine and phlegmatic). I am actually melancholic choleric (that requires a different blog) but I am melancholic by nearly 50% of my entire persona. I am pensive. I love to think. A lot. I can spend most of my day thinking about just anything. My solitude is very important to me. It is through the silence of my heart that I find my self.

Like a coin that has two sides, a melancholic has its downsides too. Often, I am construed to be moody, sensitive, worrying and a pessimist and loner. Sometimes, simple events are blown out of proportion because I tend to over analyze and read too much on some things.

It amuses me that people automatically think that there is something wrong in being melancholic. Seeing me quiet, some even go out of their way to cheer me up. I appreciate the concern but really, there is nothing wrong. This is just the way I am.

People assume that being melancholic qualifies me as depressed, not realizing that I also experience a wide array of emotions. My sense of humor exists and I can also be carefree. I am melancholic but human, much like everyone else so I also feel the same emotions, only at varying degrees.

Melancholy is not a disease to be cured. It is a healthy emotion, a normal state of being.

Melancholy is me.



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For more information about the melancholic temperament, its motivations, areas of interest, attributes (positive & negative), types & famous melancholics, please visit the link below:

http://www.ptypes.com/idealist.html

Home Alone this Christmas

It's the 25th of December. Christmas time. As a child, I used to look forward to Christmas with unabashed glee. It was a magical time for me and it is not because I get to receive gifts but because I get to be with my family. It’s my dad’s birthday too so most of our relatives and all our neighbors and friends are invited to a lunch at home. Having grown up in a closely knitted family, I cherished Christmas reunions and consider it one of the most important events of my young life.

In college, I had to go to Manila for my college education but the moment our Christmas break was announced, I’d buy my tickets and spend as much time in my hometown as I could.

It was after college when I started to work that I started to get lonely during Christmas. The moment the –ber months struck, what used to be a fun countdown to me became a countdown where I dread December 25 to transpire. Why? Because it’s been three years that I haven’t gone home in Aklan to celebrate this special day with my family.

I thought I would have gotten used to it by now but yesterday, coming home to an empty apartment after a wonderful holiday vacation trip to Baguio, the feelings of loneliness settled in. I thought of what my days would be like if only I were at home. There, on the eve of December 24, we would have gone for a mass. Noche Buena’s not practiced in Aklan so after the mass, we slept but we would have woken up at the dawn of December 25 to do the necessary preparations. The youngsters at home would flock in our sala and get their gifts under the Christmas tree. They would also demand for their socks filled with candies, sweets and other goodies from Santa. The entire day would then be spent entertaining guests, eating and drinking, giving goodies and mingling with relatives and friends.

My Christmas this year is as dull as my past Christmases. Oh, it’s fun at some points, what with our company Christmas parties and with seeing friends but December 24 and 25 are very lonely days for me and all because I am alone. I have actually been invited to spend Christmas with my friends and their families but I declined because I do not want to be with them and their family and be reminded of what I am missing.

So today, I am doing nothing but engage in DVD marathons and stay online. It keeps me occupied. It’s a lousy way to spend Christmas, I know but this is better than going out in malls or anywhere else and instead of seeing brightly colored Christmas decors, see myself reflected alone and yearning for my family in the eyes of gleeful children and beaming parents.

Preface

I start this blog the way I start all my journals - with the prologue I wrote when I was 17, the point in my life when I, as a college freshman, after turbulent angst and confusion-filled teen years, was able to carve my identity.

PROLOGUE
You think you know me
But you can think again
For you may not know me at all...
Outside, I may be what you think I am
But inside, I hold a bunch of contradictions and complexities
That never ceases to cause wonders even to me...
There is more to what meets your eyes
And there is much more of me
That you don't know yet...
But now that you've gotten hold of this,
Go ahead, read
And I will let you into my concocted world of words
Probe deeper and don't just see me
But feel me as well
Living in each carefully chosen word...
Be aware of my heart and soul emancipated
From mixed feelings and pent-up longings
Including the cherished, even the shattered dreams
Embedded within the deepest recesses of my heart...
Hear my mind speak
Its thoughts put into writing
Metamorphosing into eloquent words...
Read between the lines

And you will know who I really am
But as you read me, remember
That I am not asking for much
Except your understanding
I may have expressed thoughts and voiced out opinions
That are contrary to what you believe
But do remember that these are my thoughts
And each person is entitled
To think and express her own thoughts...
There's a fine line bordering acceptance and understanding
Your acceptance will be highly appreciated
But I can also do with only your understanding of me...
I won't prolong you further

So now go through the succeeding entries
And know the real me
Who is waiting and yearning

To be known.