tableau

by the window pane
i stood
rigidly
and watched
through
the frosted glass.

if only my heart
could be as rigid
as my stance...
if only the cold
could freeze
it too...

i watched
silently
as your hand
came up
to caress
her hair
and even from far away
i could see
your expression
of naked,
vulnerable caring...
the same expression
further deepening
when she laughed
at something you just said
the lilting sound of it
carried
to where i was
by the frigid night air...

and i could feel
my bruised heart
breaking...
shattering into
a thousand pieces
its sound swallowed
by the stillness
of the night
as tears
glinted in my eyes
but remained unshed
my expression
as brittle
as the broken
fragments
of my heart.

how could someone
bring me so much joy
and pain
at the same time?

and how could i
have let myself
be held captive
by your smile,
your very being
when i knew
you were not
and never would be
mine?

Bittersweet

The flavor of my youth is bittersweet. Its joys, pains, adventures, trials, conquests and awakenings will never be forgotten.

Youth was that time when I first felt my heart flutter like a butterfly in flight. It was a feeling which I mistook for love and so it was at this stage in my life when I learned that love isn't about getting all gooey inside and giddy on the outside but is more a commitment than a feeling.

True love knocked on my door all right but I was too young then to take things seriously. In my youth, I learned to lose someone I should have kept and cherished.

Youth was a time of friendship. Of opening myself to someone and sharing laughter and tears. It was also a time of secrets betrayed and trusts broken. Most girls were just too chatty, I learned, and some could be mean without even trying.

Youth was that time too when I wanted to be independent but my parents thought I was rushing things up. The time when I desperately wanted to be free but got bound by my parents' rules. It was that time when reasoning with them could be (mis)construed as talking and fighting back and was deemed being disrespectful when all I really wanted was to be heard.

Youth was that time when I wanted to define myself only to find things that I did not like about me. Of looking for my identity but ending up trying to be like everybody else to fit in.

Youth was basking in the truth that I was misunderstood even when I really wasn't. It gave me the "license" to be angst-ridden no doubt fueled by my passion for the songs of Alanis, Gin Blossoms, The Cranberries, Nirvana and Oasis. I even thought their songs are about and for me. Ha!

Youth was knowing who I was and what I was capable of. And wasn't. It was standing at the crossroads of my life and knowing full well that whatever choice I would make would define the person that I would become.

In my youth, I was confronted with harsh realities and bitter truths. Rude awakenings were bitter pills to swallow but these eventually made me feel better about myself and the world.

Amidst the Harsh Realities of Life

Life can sometimes be too demanding,
Confusing and complicated,
Even cruel – Loss of a loved one,
Betrayal of a friend,
Rejection from someone,
Pressures around us,
Constant challenge of choices,
Man’s never ceasing wants and complaints,
His insatiable thirst and hunger for money, power and fame,
Bigotry, Pride and Selfishness,
Trials and Hardships,
Complexities and Contradictions,
Pains, Fears and Doubts,
Competitions, Oppositions and Self-struggle…
But amidst all those
Two overpowering truths sustain me:
One is that God is always looking after me,
No matter what
He knows and wants only the best for me
And is gradually molding me
To become what He wants me to be
Gold and silver are fashioned through the fire
And I through trials and sufferings
And two is that you are with me
The very person who is God’s instrument of love
A friend, a mentor, a sister and more…
The gentleness and beauty
Amidst the harsh realities of life…
Is you, my dearest.

We are Special

What makes you different

Is what makes you special

You are you – unique and only one

There are billions of people in this world

But there is only one YOU

No two persons are completely identical

Each one is her only self

You are you and I am me

There are facets in each one of us

That make us different from one another

I admire those that make you different from me

Your being very understanding, for instance

Or your perceptive and intuitive nature

There are just so much in you that I admire

But even if it seems to others, even to you and me

That I am particularly inclined to you

I never do forget that I am also special

I am me and you are you

But we are friends despite our differences

And we make each other realize

That who and what each has long wanted to be

We already are to each other.

Single by Choice & Happy

“When a woman buys a pair of shoes, she goes to eight shops to compare style, color, fit and price… In each shop, she’ll probably try a dozen pairs – holding it, touching it, smelling it, wearing it, walking on it, before she eventually buys the shoes… She also usually brings a friend, always conferring and asking for comments… But when it comes to love, a woman will love the first jerk that will make her blush…”

-- Bo Sanchez

I couldn’t help but guffaw when I read the above quote. How astute. And how ironic and funny too that this should come from a guy. But really, it’s true. Love can indeed make even the most intelligent of people stupid.

My cousin and I used to say that good men are always taken. My sister even has a mug that declares, “Men are like parking spaces – the good ones are always taken.” Either that or those men are either gay or have vocations or religious calling. Thus, some women settle for just any guy who comes along, never mind that the guy falls short of their standards.

I know of a lot of intelligent, capable women who had their downfall because of love. Or rather, because of loving some heartless heartbreaker guys. Come to think of it, maybe it is called falling in love because of that. Falling is the operative word for love will literally plunge you into a terrain that you don’t know. It will make an emotional wreck out of you and make you defy logic and reason. Love will make you do things that you thought were beyond you.

Love is supposed to be fulfilling. It is happiness. But it is not if you fall for the wrong person. It is just ironic though that people often commit the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person…

A lot of people wonder why I remain single. Some friends would even go to such lengths as pairing me up with their guy friends, colleagues or relatives or having me go to endless dates. In most cases, unless I was bribed or coerced (Hehe!) I declined their playing Cupid. Why? Because I love my life as it is. I am single by choice and loving every minute of it. I am a complete person and I do not need a guy by my side to make me happy (or the wrong guy making a mess of my life).

Admittedly, the biggest reason why I remain single is because I am very choosy. There is no perfect guy. There might even be no right guys for all I know. But hey, as long as he sincerely loves me and we share the same wavelengths, have some reconcilable (take note, RECONCILABLE) differences that will add spice to our relationship and there’s mutual acceptance and respect for each other, and of course FIDELITY then he’s okay with me.

I am in no rush. I am single because HE has not arrived yet. He who is the man worth FALLING IN LOVE with (and yeah, maybe LOSING MY HEAD over, Haha!). And until he does come, I’ll enjoy the freedom and happiness that come with my being single.

Cheers!

===============

reprinted from my Friendster blog dated August 15, 2007

My Sweetest Downfall, My Favorite Mistake

"If this is going to be a mistake, let's make it my best one yet."

I remember saying that to you the moment we committed ourselves to each other. Call me a pessimist but my reason for saying that was not totally unfounded. You see, I knew I was setting myself up for trouble the first time I met you.

You were a man of this world - successful, intelligent, had a good sense of humor, confident, smart and oh so very charming. You were not a sore to the eyes either which was quite a bonus. You were six years my senior too (well, I usually get attracted to older, mature men as they are more sensible and secure than guys my age) which made you all the more appealing.

I may be young but I was told countless of times that I was smart too. It's just sad that being smart was not a guarantee for shielding ourselves from heartbreaks. Like many before me, I was smart but foolish of heart.

I should have listened to the alarm bells that kept on ringing since you came into my life but I was so into the "Age doesn't matter," "All is fair in love...," and "Love conquers all" crap that I probably wouldn't hear those alarm bells even if they clang all too loudly or if someone would thump them in my head. I was THAT in love (or should I say INsane?!). Ugh! But have someone tell either trite cliche to me now and if I can't hide my grimace, I will probably burst out laughing. Deception does come in all appearances and happens in many forms. So does heartache.

Hmm... I am stalling. Again. Like I always do whenever I remember our beginning... as if rehashing that moment will make the ending any different...

Let's go back to you and continue our (yes, there was once an US and an OUR) story... Do you remember how you just laughed my let's-make-this-my-best-mistake-yet comment off? And how you tenderly embraced me as you soothed me? You even said, "You worry too much, baby." This is not a mistake. No, I won't let it be..." I just smiled and hoped it were true.

Of course, we both knew three months thereafter that I was right for the dashing, charming prince suddenly sported horns with a tail to boot. You became controlling, possessive and even obsessed. In many instances, I tried to justify your behavior and even made excuses for you. I told and convinced myself that you just loved me so much...

The last straw came when you very nearly struck me. Horrified, that's when I woke up and smelled the coffee. I loved you. Love you still but I love myself more. No self-respecting woman should allow herself to be inflicted with any harm. No one, man or woman, deserves to be treated harshly for whatever reason or purpose.

You were my sweetest downfall. The person who managed to get past my defenses and whom I allowed to see glimpses of the vulnerable me. You were my favorite mistake too. Oh just how many times had I played stupid for you? I knew some things were wrong and yet for so long, I refused to see reason (the very thing that I get complimented on and envied about) and allowed a vicious cycle of emotional turmoil. For you, I shed the bitterest of tears but it is for you too that I learned to be brave.

Thank you because you were my sweetest downfall but my most triumphant comeback as well. You taught me that stumbling down does not make me a loser but staying down does. For you I stood up. Taller than ever.

Your love brought me to my lowest and weakest moments but because of it, I learned to pull myself together and bounce back higher. Your breaking my heart made me stronger. Wiser. And definitely more "stupid-proof."

Thank you because you were my favorite mistake but my greatest lesson in love as well.

==============

inspired by the song title, "My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow and the first line in "Samson" by Regina Spektor.

Tubig

malungkot ang gabi

tila nakikiayon

sa aking nararamdaman

napakadilim ng kalangitan

ang mga bituin

ay nagsipagtago

at pati ang buwan ay nakiisa

sa mga ulap

ay ikinanlong

ang taglay nitong liwanag.

kumidlat

kumulog

bumuhos ang ulan

kasabay ng paglandas

ng mga luha sa aking pisngi.

sumisigid ang lamig

sa aking paanan

ay malayang

nakikipaglaro ang alon

hindi katulad ko.

malupit ang mundo

wala na akong lakas pang lumaban

nasaid na

sa kung ilang taon ko ring

pakikipaghamok

sa mga unos ng buhay.

hayan na ang tubig

niyayapos

ang pagal kong katawan

ang tubig

na hanggang sa huling sandali

ng malungkot kong buhay

ay aking kaulayaw

hindi na nga lang ngayon

sa anyo

ng mga luha.

----------
H2O
the night is lonely

seemingly agreeing

to how i feel

the sky is too dark

ominous

the stars refuse to shine

and even the moon

is in connivance

as it chooses

to hide itself

beneath the clouds.

lightning

precedes the clap

of thunder

the same instance

when tears

stream down my cheeks

the coldness of the night

is seeping

down to my bones

on my feet

the waves

ricochet

against the shoreline

freely

so very unlike me.

the world is cruel

harsh

i don't have the strength

anymore

to continue fighting

for my strength

has been sucked out of me

drained

from fighting

too many

of life's battles.

here goes the water

embracing

my exhausted self

the water that

until the very end

of my sad life

has been

my constant companion

but now

not in the form

of tears.

=================

"Tubig" or "Water" is the only Filipino poem that I ever wrote, written when I was twelve. Inspiration struck one night when the world was asleep and the kindred soul in me lay awake. The English translation was written in March this year.